Queen Splodge


Splodge

A mosaic of fur stretched out on the warm stone, black, tan, white, brown, a veritable jigsaw of interlocking colours, luxuriating in the midsummer sun. Glowing yellow eyes, topaz, burning in the velvet darkness of the midnight garden. Fiery jewels from distant Afghanistan.  Shadowy huntress in the moonlit churchyard, feline wraith, with the will to kill; fiercely independent in that unique feline manner. You don’t submit to ownership, or surrender to power. Enigmatic, you disappear for a day or two, just to prove your life’s your own: to take food from a neighbour or shack up in the shed next door. Too old to be romantic, to yowl in a full moon for a handsome prince to win your heart. Local tom cats have learnt to steer clear. In middle age, you have grown a little portly. Yet, this lends you presence, a certain dignity. Uncrowned Queen, you sleep among the roses, or in the deep pools of shadow beneath the pine trees. Old age begins to creep up on you. You deign to sleep on someone’s bed at night. You prefer your meat cut up for you. You sleep, dreaming of mice, rather than catching them. You’re still a fine lady, not a word about your age!

Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen


Those of you who have read of my previous adventures in Paris and London must forgive my putting any new readers into the picture. I am a tortoiseshell cat called Pebbles because of all the different colours in my coat. I live in Paris at the top of an apartment block with my ‘family’ and my best friend, Kiki. She is a regal Burmese cat with a delicious pale chocolate coat and dark chocolate points. She is rightly proud of her royal ancestors! We are very lucky as we have a garden terrace which overlooks the Eiffel Tower. I am the seventh kitten of a tortoiseshell mother, herself a seventh kitten of a tortoiseshell queen. This has given me a magic gift! I can sprout wings and fly but only in emergencies of course. I have flown over Paris and also over the river Thames in London. We are very spoilt cats; our family often take us on their travels. Of course, they are sensible enough to realise that they need two intelligent cats to keep an eye on them. Like most cat owners, they can be dreadfully silly.

***

One spring morning, Kiki and I had been sitting on the terrace in the sunshine, admiring the lines of trees with their new leaves and the tourists in the pavement cafes far below. Suddenly Kiki meowed, ‘They’re off somewhere. I saw the passports on the table and the baggage in the hall.’

‘Well, Noah’s been singing, “Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen” for at least a week. That might be a clue!’

Before we had reached the bottom of the stairs leading down from the terrace, we saw our travel baskets in the lounge. ‘Looks as if we’re going too. We should have listened to the words of the song!’

As usual the flight from Paris was rather boring. There were two dachshunds in the hold near us. Kiki called them ‘noisy little sausage dogs’ and they certainly yapped for most of the journey. By now we were seasoned travellers and we took the chance to catnap as much as possible.

In fact, we were half-asleep as we were wheeled off the aircraft. We’d heard Noah, the youngest boy, saying there are two airports in Copenhagen. We were going to ‘Copenhagen Airport, Kastrup’, about 8 kilometres from the city centre. I kept an eye open to check the name. You never know what silly mistakes people can make!

Soon we were bowling along in a taxi. The houses looked rather like big dolls houses and the airport and streets were very tidy and clean. After only twenty minutes we neared the town centre. The boys had been arguing about the currency. In France of course, we use euros but in Denmark they have Kroners. They seemed to be discussing which would be best to use, Kroners or Euros. It seemed you would ‘get more for your buck’ with Kroners. ‘Oh, that American slang is just too dreadful,’ yawned Kiki.

It was only twenty minutes later that we arrived in the city centre. Our hotel was in a narrow, cobbled street of tall terraced houses painted in different colors. Inside the rooms were an elegant blend of old and new. We were sharing a room with the boys. Two large and cosy baskets had been laid out by the window looking down into the street below.

‘It’s going to be the usual problem,’ I meowed softly to Kiki, ‘how can we get out to see the city?’

‘Well, we always find a solution,’ she put her paw over her mouth as she yawned elegantly.

***

The next morning the family had gone off sightseeing in the old part of the city. Kiki was sitting up on the window sill looking down on the street below. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and we could hear a key turning.

Without a meow, we dived under one of the beds, just in time to avoid a confrontation with the young girl who had come to clean the room. I purred softly to Kiki, ‘Wait till she’s in the bathroom and we can make a run for it. We can meet outside in the street.’

She swished her tail gently, always a sign of consent. From under the bed, we had a rather limited view as you can imagine. We could just see jean-clad legs and the bottom of the hoover, wandering over the carpet. We saw them walk into the bathroom and then the sound of a tap running. I nodded at Kiki and we both ran to the door, pushing it open with our paws. In seconds we were down the two flights of stairs and out into the street.

‘Where next?’ Kiki was breathing heavily.

‘You’re putting on weight. Too many treats from the boys.’ I couldn’t stop myself meowing!

Before she could argue, a very large grey tom cat appeared from a doorway.

‘Hello, ladies!’ a rich, deep voice greeted us. ‘It’s not every day I meet such beautiful queens alone on the streets!’

‘We are visitors from Paris,’ Kiki had quickly assumed her usual regal drawl. ‘Perhaps you could kindly show us the sights of the city?’

‘Certainly mademoiselles, I should be delighted.’ His English was almost perfect, just the slightest suggestion of a Danish accent. ‘I would suggest a visit to the Tivoli Gardens first.’

***

There were crowds queuing up to go through the gates. Most looked like families with kids. Our grey friend, whose name we learnt was Erik, wanted to show us the giant roller coaster, voted the best in Europe. People were travelling at over 100 Kilometres an hour, hanging upside down! Kiki found it too scary to watch. She sat under a tree with her paws over her face. Just looking at it flashing past, with passengers hanging upside down, was really scary.

‘This is one of the oldest pleasure grounds in the world. Hans Christian Anderson and Walt Disney both visited it,’ boasted Erik. ‘I want to show you the newest attraction, the Ghost House which is called “the Villa Vendetta.”’

Just standing outside the haunted house was scary enough. Then we realised this was not a ride but involved following a route through twelve separate rooms each with scary actors waiting to jump out. Kiki and I didn’t like the idea of being in the dark with a lot of screaming people rushing about. We’d probably be trampled underfoot, more horrible than the horrors hidden inside!

‘I suggest we go to Nyhavn. It’s a beautiful water front area with delicious food, ’Erik purred reassuringly.

‘I need a nice cooool drink,’ Kiki replied with one of her deepest purrs.

***

Nyhavn proved to be every bit as beautiful as Erik had boasted. It overlooks a broad canal and was once the main harbour, full of ships, merchants and sailors. The beautiful old houses have been painted different colours, looking over the broad canal, still lined with tall masted ships.

‘Look at all the tables and umbrellas. This is the place to be seen.’ Kiki fluffed out her pale chocolate fur as we strolled beside of the canal.

‘Hans Christian Anderson lived in that house when he wrote “The Princess and the Pea”, Erik yowled so loudly that the crowds sitting at the tables stared! ‘He also lived in two other houses along here at different times.’

A family enjoying coffee and ice creams had heard Erik’s remarks. Two young girls bent down to stroke us.

‘Daddy, can we give them a drink? I’m sure they’re thirsty.’

The waiter brought three metal saucers full of cool water which were very welcome. Then, to our surprise, a plate of sprats appeared which the girls put on our now empty saucers!

‘I hope they’re not lost.’ The younger girl sounded tearful.

‘Don’t worry, they have beautiful coats. Someone looks after them. Cats have a good sense of direction too.’

‘I feel very sleepy,’ meowed Kiki with an elegant yawn.

‘Why don’t we go back to the hotel?’ I suggested, ‘and plan a tour for tomorrow?’

***

The next morning was beautiful with bright sun and a light breeze, just the right weather to tour this lovely city. Yesterday’s plan worked well. As soon as we heard the cleaner in the bathroom, we slipped out of the door. Erik was sitting outside the hotel, watching the world go by. ‘I suggest we go to see Copenhagen’s most famous tourist attraction, the statue of the Little Mermaid. I can tell you two her story on the journey.’

‘Is it far from here;’ meowed Kiki; who to tell the truth was slightly lazy!

‘No, only three kilometres. We can go by metro. That will be an adventure for you.’

‘We do have a metro in Paris, you know,’ Kiki couldn’t resist reminding him. ‘But, of course, we always travel by car.’

As we strolled along in the sunshine, Erik told us about the Little Mermaid.

‘This is one of the most popular stories of Hans Christian Anderson. It’s about a beautiful mermaid who falls in love with a human prince! The statue shows her gazing sadly shoreward, hoping for a glimpse of him. The name of the sculptor was Edvard Erikson.’

‘Wasn’t it modelled on a ballerina who danced the part in a ballet version of the story?’ Trust Kiki to know that!

‘Yes, but she refused to model without her clothes, so the sculptor’s wife was the model!’

‘Quite right too! Far too cold in Denmark.’ Kiki shivered at the thought of it.

By now, we had reached the metro at Nyhavn. ‘I’ll go first and meet you on the platform. Three of us together attracts more attention.’

A few minutes later a train drew in and stopped. Following close to Erik, we hid in a corner. The carriage was empty; except for one man, deep in a newspaper. We could see little, except occasional glimpses of sky or trees and in about 16 minutes, we were there.

A large crowd of tourists were also there. Most had cameras and were busy taking shots of the statue. We crept round the edge of them on the left so we had a close view of the mermaid’s face as she looked wistfully for her Prince. 

‘It’s beautiful but it’s sad too. She must be lonely here at night,’ Kiki meowed softly. ‘It would take a very handsome tom cat from a royal family, to persuade me to sit on those cold rocks!’

I looked at Erik. He seemed rather disappointed! We walked along the Langelinie Pier. It felt chilly for a moment as the wind blew across the water. A black cloud had suddenly covered the sun. We stopped for a moment to catch our breath and sat with our backs to the wind.

Suddenly, Erik yowled and dashed off back along the water front! Before we could protest or follow, we felt ourselves picked up by the scruff of our necks and bungled into a stinking, dirty sack which smelt of rotten fish. The sack was dropped down, landing with an uncomfortable bump which left the two of us with our legs wrapped round each other and our tails intertwined. By the time we had sorted ourselves out, we could hear the chugging of an outboard motor and the sound of water. We had been kidnapped and were in the bottom of a boat! We listened anxiously to low voices which seemed quite close. I guessed there were two men and they were speaking Danish. Kiki thought there were odd words of German, but they spoke too fast for us to understand anything.

The neck of the sack was tied up with twine or string but we could see the sky through small gaps. I whispered to Kiki, ‘Looks as if we could bite through that twine. It’s not tied securely!’

We guessed the boat was still on a canal or lake, rather than the open sea. ‘We must have been in here for over half an hour.’

‘Yes, but it seems like hours. The stink makes me feel sick. Just think how our coats will smell,’ moaned Kiki. 

Just at that moment, we sensed the boat had stopped. Of course, our hearing is excellent. I could tell that the men had tied the craft up and were climbing out over the side.

‘This is our chance, Kiki. We have to bite through the twine and race off before they come back. I’ll stand on you and start the job and you can finish it off.’

‘My teeth are not made for such rough, dirty material.’

‘Well, you’ll have to try your best, unless you want to land up in Timbuctoo!’

As it happened, I managed to bite through the twine quite easily and push the top of the sack open with my nose and front paws. What a relief to breathe fresh air and see the sky again. As we jumped out onto the deck, we realised the boat was moored in a region of warehouses and offices, not the tourist areas we had explored. ‘Look Kiki we’ve probably only got a few minutes. We need to hide among these alleys and buildings before we go back to the central part of town.’

She flicked her tail in agreement. I think she was too frightened to meow.

Silently, as only cats can be silent, we jumped onto the quayside. The place seemed quiet with few people around. I had come to this conclusion too soon. Two rough looking men were approaching the boat! Too late, one of them had seen us. He started running along the quay, shouting over his shoulder to his fellow thief. They both came pounding over the cobbles towards us!

I sped off down one of the narrow alleys with Kiki just behind me. We dived into a doorway half way down the alley. We crouched, trembling, as we heard heavy boots on the pavement. Thankfully they ran past us. ‘Come on. Let’s go back and put them off the trail,’ I yowled at Kiki.’

A few twists and turns later, we sat to recover our breathe. Living seven floors up in an apartment does not make you racing fit. ‘Keep your eyes open for a wall which will give us a take-off point.’ No sooner had I spoken, than we heard heavy footsteps rounding the corner of the alley.

As we raced down the passage, we could hear the boots echoing in pursuit. I ran down another lane, narrowly avoiding colliding with a pile of crates. A crash behind me and a string of expletives made me smile, briefly. One of our pursuers had not been so lucky!

I could hear Kiki close on my tail. Suddenly the road widened and a pedestrian crossing loomed ahead. A small crowd was waiting to cross. Kiki and I ran between legs as a man yelled, ‘Cats, what the devil are they doing here?’ and a few angry comments in Danish which luckily and literally went over our heads. We could tell by the furious voices behind us, that the kidnappers had not escaped so easily.

Look, there’s a wall running along the side of the road, I think we could leap, onto the top.’ Kiki’s voice sounded faint and weary.

Looking back, I could see the two ruffians had broken free of the crowd, no time to lose. I stood back from the wall and with a flying leap stood on the top. Kiki was not so lucky. She scrabbled half way up as the men had almost reached her. The taller man tried to jump up and pull her back. With one paw she scratched his hand and with the other she pulled herself onto the wall beside me. In seconds I felt my speckled wings sprouting and I could see Kiki’s delicate gossamer wings almost complete.

‘Ok, ready? Un, deux, trois, take-off!’

Soon we had gained height. From the air we could see how much water there is in Copenhagen. Vistas full of canals, lakes and the sea itself. The two thieves looked smaller and smaller as we rose higher. 

‘I can see the Tivoli Gardens. Look at the roller coaster and the Golden Tower,’ Kiki yowled above the wind.

I knew once we crossed Tivoli Park, I would be able to find our hotel. Sure enough, I had spotted it. We landed safely, a few metres from the doors. Sadly, our wings vanished. No sign of Erik, as we climbed the stairs. 

‘He knows he behaved badly. No gentleman leaves ladies to face danger!’ Kiki had no sympathy for our grey friend.

Noah was standing at the bedroom door. ‘Ah here are the catkins. I thought they’d decided to stay in Copenhagen.’

‘No fear of that. I’m a true Parisienne,’ purred Kiki.

A Long Line of Cats


My first cat was a fluffy, handsome ginger tom who went by the rather splendid name of Samson. My abiding memory is of him sitting resplendent in a basket with a royal blue silk cushion. With his bright orange, kitten fluff, he looked like an illustration for ‘Little Lord Fauntleroy or a similar Victorian novel. But Samson was no ball of innocent fluff. At the age of six, I was very upset when he started bringing me thoughtful gifts of bits of mice and birds. These were usually put at the bottom of my bed as a morning surprise. My father had warned me of this. At least he was kind enough not to say, ‘I told you so!’ He couldn’t resist suggesting he should be re-named, Orion. As we had stables at the bottom of the garden, Samsom proved his worth by catching or scaring off the rats which were inevitably attracted to the oats and bran kept for the horses. He lived to be an elderly gentleman of seventeen and I’ll always remember him as the first in a long line of cats.

Fluffy orange ball

splendid on your cushion of blue

still hunting somewhere

Our vet bred Burmese cats and introduced us to these wonderfully intelligent animals. The first of many was Monica, a delicious dark chocolate with even darker points. Her eyes were a light amber in the sunlight and a mysterious, striking dark amber at night. At the time we had four Basset hounds and a French bulldog, not counting over thirty horses and countless chicken, ducks, geese and turkeys. Even as a small kitten, Monica took it all in her stride. She ignored the rowdy, rumbustious canines in the day and condescendingly slept on top of them at night. She went a short distance with the dogs on their daily walk, then waited in the hedge for their return. She would leap out of her hiding place and prance around them as they walked back up the lane. Of all the many animals we had, the Burmese cats were by far the most intelligent.

Sleek chocolate fur

truly loyal companion

unforgettable

One weekend on the way home from university, I passed a pet shop. At that time kittens and puppies were sold in such places. I think this is now illegal, without a license, to trade in live animals. Outside, in a large cage was one tiny, tortoise shell kitten. She looked forlorn and abandoned, huddled in one corner. I walked on to the underground station in the district of North London where I lived during term time. I couldn’t forget that tiny, sad kitten. I turned and walked back to the shop. I came out with her snuggled in the deep pocket of my duffle coat. Walking back to the tube station, I remembered I had to travel over London, take a train, a bus and walk a couple of miles to reach my home in Surrey. Every so often, I took the kitten out of my pocket to give her a breath of fresh hour. She survived and was soon sleeping on my younger sister’s lap. When the time came to return to London, my mother said, ‘You can’t keep her in one room. Leave her here. She’ll soon get used to our menagerie and enjoy all the outside space.’ In truth I had been hoping someone would suggest this. She was named ‘Minnie’ or ‘Min’ as she was always known. She was rather timid but soon settled in.

Sixteen years later, she died in her sleep in an old arm chair. I never regretted walking back from the station that day.

Pretty tortoise shell

huddled alone in a cage

loving and fragile

My father came back one afternoon from a visit to a friend who was the manager of a local farm. He had a cardboard box. This was always interesting because he often brought in wounded animals or birds. Seeing him with a box was always intriguing. True to form squeaking noises and scratching came from it. When he opened the lid, two small black kittens jumped out. They were jet black with white marking their heads. One mark was like a star, the other had a distinctive white collar round its neck. This was the only way to tell them apart. Both were toms. At first, they were wild and bolted under beds and wardrobes to hide. They were from generations of farm cats which were half feral. Food with most animals is a great pacifier! Bill and Ben, as my sister had named them, soon settled down. They spent most of their time hunting and stalking rodents round the stables and outbuildings. Like Samson, they were skilful hunters. In summer they were outside most of the time. When the weather turned cold, they would sleep in the kitchen. We always referred to them collectively as ‘Bill ‘en Ben’. Not surprisingly, they died within a few days of each other. My father thought they were about sixteen.

Bill and Ben dark twins

blood brothers— fearful hunters

free wild forces of nature

My daughters are great cat lovers. One of them has three cats who have a rambling old house and a large garden with a churchyard next door to explore. Recently she was given a kitten by an old school friend. It is a half-breed Scottish Fold. These are cats with small ears which fold over, rather than being pricked, as in other cats. Vets and some authorities disapprove of these cats as their ears are more likely to become infected. In the case of ‘Toothie’, the litter was not deliberately bred. Only two of the kittens had these ‘folded’ ears. He is black with no markings at all. Whether because of his ears or not, he is the strangest cat I have ever come across, a unique character. He looks more like a monkey or gibbon than a cat. He is long in the back and lies on the floor or chair in a most extraordinary way! If you ignore him, he lies on his back across a doorway with his legs waving in the air, so you have to step over him. You certainly can’t ignore him which I suppose is the whole point. Although quite small, Toothie is top cat or monkey. The two older cats tolerate this oddity. Perhaps, they don’t accept him as a true feline? 

With strange folded ears

lying legs splayed in doorways

this odd monkey-cat

In Memory of a Burmese Queen


Queen in a house full of dogs.

Burmese with dark chocolate points

Not a hair ever out of place

Movements balletic and elegant

Prancing in front of the dogs

Tail straight as a brush

Always ahead, ever courageous

Sleeping on top of the hounds

On a pile of noisy canines

Centre of attention, adoration

Showing your royal ancestry

Not a television fan

You strut the mantlepiece

Knocking off knick-knacks and photos

Diverting attention from the screen

Commanding the room and the moment.

Strolling in languidly when summoned

As if graciously, condescendingly complying

Responding with elegant purring

To keep foolish humans happy

A wonderfully free spirit

Whose ghost is always present

This is in memory of one of three Burmese
cats from my childhood. She was universally
loved for her intelligence and character.

An Indian Christmas


Many of you will remember me and my best friend, Ki-Ki, a most beautiful Burmese cat, a real feline princess. We live with our family in Paris on the top floor of a comfortable apartment which has a gorgeous view of the famous Eiffel Tower. I am Pebbles, an ordinary tortoiseshell, except I happen to be the seventh kitten of a seventh kitten which has given me a wonderful gift— I can fly. It’s hard I know to imagine seeing a cat fly. Just read my story and you will find it’s no cat dream!

One morning we woke up in Paris to find the apartment in chaos. I had to jump over several suit cases just to get out of my basket. I found Ki-Ki sitting sadly by the front door.

‘What on earth’s happening, Ki-Ki?  It looks as if we are moving out.’

‘They’re all going away. I think it’s to Kolkata, but I couldn’t hear all the conversation.’

‘But they can’t leave us in Paris, on our own in this big apartment! Anyhow, where’s Kolkata? It sounds quite a ‘katty’ sort of place.’

‘I think it’s in India but my geography’s not too good, apart of course from places with royal associations like Persia, Burma and Siam. I prefer to keep to original, regal names.’

‘But how will we survive if the concierge is left to manage our food. She has no idea of your superior cat buds, Kiki. What about our fish on Fridays?’

‘Fish! More likely that cheap tinned rubbish from the supermarket!’

At this moment we noticed our travelling baskets had been taken out of the cupboard and put on the dining room table.

‘Look, Ki-Ki! I think we’re going too.’

‘We are going somewhere it seems. Probably to a cattery out in the 18th arrondissement, kilometres away from civilization.’

‘What’s a cattery?’ Before she could answer, Noah, the youngest boy, came and picked us up, one under each arm.

‘The catkins are looking nervous. They hated flying to London and India’s a much longer flight.’

We both meowed rather sadly at the prospect of a long journey. I had a terrible cat ache on the short flight to London and Ki-Ki had been kept awake by some stupid dog howling for the entire hour. At least we would be with the family. They had their faults but nothing compared to a cattery.

At last, the baggage had been packed in two taxis and we were finally off to Charles de Gaulle Airport. We could only see the top storeys of buildings and office blocks through the gaps in our wicker baskets.

‘Try to have a catnap while you can,’ I meowed to Ki-KI.

‘Good idea. You never know what mad dogs will be on the flight.’ Ki-Ki always imagined the worst cat scenario.

‘The catkins are very vocal,’ laughed Noah. ‘They think they’re off to London again. Little do they know.’

‘That’s the problem with people. They always think we know ‘little’ and that they know everything.’ Ki-Ki yawned before taking a nap.

                                                   °             °               °  

I won’t bore you with the details of an awfully long and boring flight. I can’t really remember much, thank goodness. As usual there was an annoying dog, one of those yappy little terriers, a ‘Yorkie’ or a ‘Maltese’, I think. Most of the time we both went to sleep. We don’t like flying on aeroplanes. We prefer ‘Feline Flight’, as you’ll see later!

                                                    °                     °                      °

Arriving at the Oberoi International Hotel late in the evening, everyone, family and cats, was exhausted. The entrance was splendid with white pillars and doormen in silk turbans. ‘An entrance fit for a Queen,’ as Ki-Ki meowed happily. The rooms were large and spacious with beds for the boys and very exotic cat baskets for us. Although it was the week before Christmas, it was warm.

‘We don’t need our winter coats here,’ complained Ki-Ki. ‘People are still swimming in the outdoor pool!’

‘The father said something about ‘air-conditioning’ which would make it more comfortable to sleep at night.’ I had seen one of the bearers fiddling with buttons and switches and showing the parents how to change the temperature in the bedrooms.

‘Yes, of course my ancestors used to have a servant to stand pulling a fan to keep the royal cats cool. In India, he was called a ‘punkah wallah,’ I believe.’ Ki-Ki yawned gracefully.

Suddenly, there was a polite knock on the door. I looked at KI-Ki and meowed softly. She responded with a loud MEOW. The door slowly opened and a very smart man with a splendid, orange turban came in, carrying a silver salver. He had white bowls of fishy smelling food and glass bowls of water. Spreading a small mat on the floor, he carefully set out the four bowls. Speaking in Hindi, I think, which is the National Language, he spoke kindly and pointed at the food.

By this time, I was very hungry but Ki-Ki waited a moment, ’One must never be over enthusiastic in front of servants,’ she meowed softly.

I waited for her to start eating. I noticed she didn’t hesitate to lick the bowl clean rather speedily.

As the door closed behind the waiter, to our surprise an animal crept from under the bed. As soon as it started meowing, we realised it was a very unusual kind of feline.

‘I’m a Bengal cat and my name is Bengal Rajah of Tollygunge, known by my close friends as Rajah or Prince. I was intrigued by Rajah’s exotic coat of striped legs, like a tiger and a magnificent spotted body like a leopard. I was not at all surprised when he purred, ‘I was first bred in California, a cross between an Asian Leopard breed of cat and an American shorthair.’

‘But how did you magically appear? Is it a feline version of the Indian rope trick? Kiki-Kiki was a trifle resentful of his princely name.

‘No, nothing magical. I crept on claw tips past the bearer when he brought your dinner. I’ll have to wait for someone to come and open the door Would you two be interested in a tour of the city?’

‘Yes, but there is the small problem of getting out!’ Ki-Ki sounded slightly exasperated.

‘Don’t worry, your family will be out most of the day. They haven’t come from Paris to sit in the bedrooms. I know when the cleaners will come and we can easily slip out. I’m not called Rajah for nothing,’ he purred proudly.

                                                         °                     °                        °

Next morning Rajah was proved correct in his surmises. The family set off after breakfast, armed with a guide book, street atlas and bottles of water. A few minutes later a cleaner arrived and started making the beds. The boys had spilt orange juice on one of the pillows and she went off to fetch a clean pillowcase.

Rajah immediately slipped through the door, ‘Come on my friends, a great day to explore.’

Ki-Ki and I followed him down the soft, luxurious staircase.

Out in the forecourt of the hotel, one or two vans were coming and going.

‘We’re off to visit the splendid ‘Marble Palace’. It’s in the North of the city, so we need to steal a lift. Rather too far for ladies to walk!’

The back doors of one the vans were wide open. Inside I could see empty wooden crates.

‘Pop in and get behind those crates,’ meowed Rajah softly as he jumped up.

The van moved out into the traffic of Chowringhee, with much hooting and yelling on the part of the driver. 

‘He’s going to pick up some vegetables from a market close to the Marble Palace,’ Rajah meowed softly. ‘Be ready to jump out, ladies.’

It was dark inside the van. I guessed there were potholes as the ride was bumpy and uncomfortable with the crates leaning dangerously, like the tower of Pisa, but that’s a story for another day.

Suddenly, the van came to an abrupt halt. ‘Wait for the signal to jump out, ‘came a muffled meow from behind some crates. ‘Now, jump, ladies!’

We both landed on the pavement beside Rajah just before the driver returned with crates oranges and bananas.

On the opposite side of the road were high gates. We could see the tops of some very impressive marble columns beyond. ‘That must be part of the Palace,’ I meowed softly to Ki-Ki.

Rajah led the way across the road to a hole at the bottom of the fencing. Obviously a well –trodden feline entrance to the grounds. Both Ki-Ki and I were stunned into silence at the magnificent façade of the palace. Rajah explained building began in 1835 by the prestigious Mullick family, wealthy Calcutta merchants. It is an example of Neoclassical design which apparently means the revival of Greek and Roman styles in the 18th and 19th centuries or so Ki-Ki meowed to me. Being classically bred and educated, she’s usually right.

We slipped through the entrance into an inner courtyard. A couple of macaws with wonderful blue and yellow plumage greeted us raucously from their perch at the side of the court. We walked into a magnificent room which Rajah told us was the old ballroom. Candle chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Around the edge were fine bronze and marble figures. I could imagine women in elegant long dresses, escorted by men in black jackets, breeches and exquisitely embroidered waistcoats, just like the pictures in Noah’s history books.

Rajah began to pirouette across the marble floor. As Ki-ki and I joined in, I imagined music wafted across the courtyard on the wind. The whole palace has an air of such faded elegance and charm. We wandered through many rooms, including a picture gallery. Rajah had once followed a guide giving a talk to a group of tourists and picked up a lot of information. He pointed out there were one hundred and twenty-six different marbles in the palace and pictures by some very famous artists, including Rubens and the English portrait painter, Joshua Reynolds. All the people in the pictures looked very serious and were wearing odd clothes. ‘They must be very hot in the summer here,’ I meowed to Ki-Ki who seemed lost in her own dream world.

‘I feel I belong here. It has a regal elegance which exactly suits me.’

‘I think we should leave now, before the traffic is too bad.’

We reluctantly agreed.

As we crawled back under the fence, Rajah whispered, ‘It must be our lucky day. See that cream coloured car parked there?’

We glanced a few metres down the road.

‘That’s a hotel car. It must have brought tourists here earlier. Just hide by the fence and see when they come back.’

He was right. After ten minutes or so, a family, parents and two children, appeared, with various brown paper parcels. The driver opened the boot and going to meet them, took the packages.

‘Come on now, jump in the boot, hide behind the spare tyre and the tool bag!’

It was a squash with three cats, the spare tyre, a large tool bag and a pile of parcels. However, it was a short journey and in no time, we guessed we were pulling into the hotel entrance. The driver started clearing the parcels and taking them into Reception. We took our chance to creep through a side entrance and walk cautiously upstairs.

The door to the boys’ room was ajar. They were in the parents’ room chatting. We sidled in and collapsed into our baskets.

Pretending to be asleep, we heard Noah exclaiming, ‘I told you they were hiding somewhere.’

We dropped asleep, dreaming of ballrooms and marble palaces.

                                          °                          °                            °

The next morning was slightly foggy but still quite warm. Once the family had gone out exploring the city, the cleaner arrived with her hoover and box of dusters and polishes.

We could see Rajah round the corner of the door, meowing impatiently. ‘Hurry up, Mesdemoiselles. I’ve been ready for hours. Today we are going to visit one of the biggest markets in the city. It is a short walk from the hotel and will be crowded just before Christmas!’

It may have been a short walk but it wasn’t an easy one for three cats! The pavements were crowded with so many people: men in bright turbans, women in saris of all colours, orange, green, purple, turquoise, as Ki-Ki exclaimed, ‘a living rainbow.’ Small children, babies, women in black burkas, teenagers in the universal jeans and t-shirts, all of Kolkata seemed to be out that morning. As Rajah pointed out, it was easiest walking close to the shop windows, under the ledges, just the right height for cats.

At last, we reached the front of New Market. We sat for a moment at the entrance in a cool corner. Crowds were going in and out, often followed by market boys with large baskets to carry customers’ shopping.

The market is a labyrinth of criss-crossing alley ways selling a huge range of goods. Ki-Ki of course, loved the jewellery section. The shops looked like the pictures of treasure chests in Noah’s pirate books. Gold necklaces, tiaras, precious stones of all sorts— rubies, emeralds, and glittering displays of diamonds. The fruit market was as colourful: piles of bright orange tangerines, bunches of yellow bananas, of shining black grapes and plump, round melons.

The fish market was full of strange, exotic fish which we had never seen before. Rajah, like most Bengalis, was an expert on fish. We watched Koi swimming sullenly in large, round tanks, Pomfret ready for frying and the bright silver Hilsa.

‘Hilsa is the favourite on big festivals, cooked in mustard, ’explained Rajah.

Suddenly, one of the stallholders appeared, armed with a large broom, and shooed us away.

I shot up one of the narrow alleys, quickly followed by Ki-Ki meowing indignantly, ’Obviously a ruffian, unaware of my status.’

At this point I was more worried about getting lost in this warren of alleys than about her social status. When I stopped to look round, we were in a different section of the market surrounded by beautiful silks and saris displayed in different stalls. I was just thinking best plan was to get back to the entrance and wait for Rajah to re-appear, when I turned to see two young girls bending down to stroke Ki-Ki. She was purring loudly and rubbing against their bare legs. Before I could intervene, a tall, elegant lady appeared. Her light green and silver-edged sari shone in the light from the stall. She spoke to the market boy. I couldn’t follow the conversation but he walked towards the entrance with the basket balanced on his head.

She spoke to the girls in English. ‘I’m worried about these cats, specially the beautiful Burmese.’ (At this point I must admit my hair stood up for a moment.) They will be picked up and stolen any minute if they wander round here. Look at their lovely coats. They must have escaped from a house near the market.’

The girls answered in Hindi or Bengali. If only Rajah had been there to translate! Before we knew it, the girls had picked us up. They felt warm and friendly.

‘Don’t struggle,’ I meowed softly to Ki-Ki. ’You might scratch or hurt them.’ They carried us along the alleys out into the sun, making straight for a black car parked at the entrance.

The driver opened the door. Before we could say ‘pussies in the well’, the car was moving off into Chowringhee.

Sitting comfortably in the backseat on the girls’ laps we fell asleep. We were driving out of the city centre. It seemed a long way to me but perhaps the traffic jams made it seem further. I woke as the car was passing along the edge of a lake. This area was much more open and far less crowded than the New Market area. I meowed softly to wake up Ki-KI as the car drove into a neat, gravel drive.

The block of apartments looked newly built and freshly painted. The girls carried us gently into a large hallway with elevators going up to the top floors.

‘I feel quite at home here. It’s like our Paris flat,’ I meowed.

‘Oh, not quite the same luxury,’ yawned Ki-Ki, covering her mouth with her paw.

The elevator went on upwards, one, two… I lost count till it thudded to a halt on the top floor. The two girls carried us into a large room. I felt at home with colourful woven rugs on the floor and shelves of books all around. The mother called us into the kitchen. She had put water in a bowl and fish into two saucers. We only usually eat fish on Fridays but we were both hungry. Besides as Ki-Ki commented, ‘It would be bad manners to refuse.’

I had noticed when we went into the main room, it had a balcony looking over the lake.

I meowed softly to Ki-Ki, ‘We can take off from the balcony. I think I can navigate back to the hotel. You have a a wonderful cat’s eye view when you are flying.’

Remember, I mentioned I have inherited magic powers as the seventh tortoiseshell kitten, born to a seventh born tortoiseshell mother. I have hidden wings which I summon, only in an emergency of course.

                                                        °                        °                      °

It was late afternoon. The girls and their mother had gone for a walk by the lake. I nudged Ki-Ki awoke. She was still yawning.

‘We need to jump up onto the edge of the balcony and fly back, before even Noah thinks we have come to a sticky end or something fishy has happened to us.

‘Something ‘fishy’ did happen a couple of hours ago and I rather enjoyed it.’

‘Well, you might not enjoy it so much in the summer with temperatures in the forties!’

‘Ok, I thought you had a good sense of catty humour.’

‘Oh! I can be catty in many ways— come on now, time is passing and we must fly!’

We stood on the edge of the balcony looking at the sun beginning to set over the water.

‘I feel guilty leaving the girls. They were so kind,’ meowed Ki-Ki.

‘Well, they have a lovely home and mother. I am sure they will soon forget all about us.’

I wished hard and immediately my wings began to sprout. I looked at Kiki-Kiki poised elegantly on the narrow balcony edge. Her delicate jewelled wings like gossamer began to appear. I made another wish too, that this kind family, especially the young girls, would not be unhappy when they found us gone.

We took off over the lake and wheeled round, back towards the city.

There was a light breeze behind us which made flying easier. Looking down we could see the centre of Kolkata ahead. The tram track beneath us was a good guide. We had left the lakes behind. Far below tiny rickshaws battled their way through evening chaos. Beneath us was a Church which looked like a toy. Rajah told me later it was St Paul’s Cathedral. A little further on was an elegant white building with a statue of a Queen or statesman seated on a marble pedestal, apparently, I learnt later, the Victoria Memorial. Kiki-Kiki yowled it reminded her of the statue outside Buckingham Palace, in London. Now beneath us was a wonderful open stretch of grass, the Maidan, on which tiny figures in white were playing that odd English game, cricket. On our right was a very crowded street, with bright lights and Christmas decorations. Ki-Ki signalled that she wanted to fly closer. We found out from Noah’s conversation later, that this was Park Street, the main centre of restaurants and shopping.

We flew over the heads of the crowds, seeing people queuing outside a bakery and tea shop to buy Christmas cakes. It had a puzzling name, Flury’s, which sounded French to us. Rajah said it had originally been owned by a Swiss family! By then we were at the top of Chowringhee, only a minute or so to the hotel. We passed New Market on our right. It seemed so long since we had lost Rajah.

At last, we flew right into the hotel forecourt. Of course, it was Christmas Eve and we were looking forward to opening our presents. Ki-Ki meowed she hoped she wouldn’t get yet another rubber mouse. Our family mean well but do they really think we want a rubber mouse? Would they want a rubber computer or a plastic football? Sometimes people can be very silly. It’s probably why they need us.

Cats Napped!


If you have read my first adventure in Paris, you will know all about me. This part is just for any new readers to catch up. My name is Pebbles and I’m a fashionable, sophisticated Parisian cat. I am a rather special feline with a beautiful tortoiseshell coat. My apartment, which I share with my ‘family’, is very close to the Eiffel Tower. It’s so close that when you’re on the top terrace, you feel you could almost touch it. I have a special secret which I am going to meow softly, just to you. I am the seventh tortoiseshell kitten of a seventh born tortoiseshell mother which gives me nine wishes as well as nine lives! Unfortunately, my last adventure cost me two wishes. It was worth it because it saved the life of Ki-Ki. She is a beautiful royal Burmese cat with a deliciously milk chocolate coat with dark chocolate paws and mask! She is my best friend and a true aristocrat. 

This summer the family moved to England for six months — something to do with a mysterious place called ‘the office’. It plays an important part in the father’s life. Ki-Ki thinks it must be a luxurious spa or a very upmarket restaurant because he even goes there at weekends sometimes! 

I had never flown by aeroplane before. What a fuss it all was! Ki-Ki and I were inspected by a vet and given several injections. I really hate seeing that needle coming towards me. We were put into cages and stowed away in something called ‘the hold’. We could hear a dog somewhere near us barking and howling. So typical of dogs, they have no self-control. I don’t know about Ki-Ki, but I had an awful feline headache by the time we landed. They had given us a snack for the flight – a very cheap sort of cat food which we would never touch in any of our nine lives.

At last, we were taken through some mysterious ritual called customs.  It may be an English ‘custom’ but not one any well-bred Parisian would practise. We were really relieved to see the family again, especially the youngest boy, Noah.

‘How are the ‘catkins’?’ he joked. 

We purred politely and tried to smile. For some reason people like to hear us purring. To tell you the truth, it’s a bit of an effort at times. At least we could sleep in the taxi. We had heard our destination in Paris over a deafening loud speaker — flight 534 to London. 

From our basket in the back of the car we had our first glimpses of London. We had heard the boys chatting about something called ‘Big Ben’ which sounded as if it might be a large structure like the Eiffel Tower. Why was it called Ben? This seemed rather odd. Of course, we had heard of Buckingham Palace. It had interested Ki-Ki with her royal connections. Sadly, the Royal Family seem to prefer Corgis, rather yappy, annoying little dogs.

Noah suddenly exclaimed ‘The Thames, we’re going over Tower Bridge!’

I caught a glimpse of miniature castles and turrets at either end of the bridge. Ki-Ki yawned elegantly, but a little sleepily. ‘When you’ve seen one bridge, you’ve seen them all.’

We were turning into a tree lined Avenue which reminded me of Paris with its boulevards.

The car suddenly stopped and we were both flung across the basket. That didn’t improve my cat ache, or my temper.

Once inside the house, even Ki-Ki had to admit it was elegant and very well furnished. Two large, luxurious cat beds were in the kitchen in front of something called an ‘Aga’ which seemed a combination of a heater and a stove.  

‘Ah! The catkins like their beds.  Of course, Ki-Ki’s bagged the bigger one,’ Noah shouted up the stairs.

‘Thank goodness there’s a cat flap,’ meowed Ki-Ki, in relief.

‘What’s that? I’ve never heard of such a thing.’

‘Well, we don’t go outside the apartment in Paris. Here there must be a garden at the back. So, we can pop in and out through the cat flap when we need to — you know what I mean?’ she meowed softly.

‘When we need the loo; that’s what you mean.’’

‘Please, keep your meows down. Don’t yowl about such subjects.’

Really, Ki-Ki can be rather old-fashioned!

The family were outside looking round the garden. There was a long stretch of grass with beautiful trees on either side. The father and mother were chatting.

‘London Plane trees, you can’t beat them for shade and elegance.’

‘You’re right and there’s not much gardening here — just cutting the grass. A good thing, you know, with you stuck in the office.’ 

‘There’s an office here too. He’ll still be going there.’

‘Lucky, he’d really miss it wouldn’t he?’ purred Ki-Ki.

‘Well, the garden’s well fenced and too high for the cats to jump over. They should be fine but watch the boys don’t let them out the front,’ with this warning, he turned back into the house.

We were still exploring the top of the garden when a rather loud meow startled us. A large black tom cat had poked his nose through the wire netting.

‘Hello, ladies, you must have just arrived!’

‘Yes, we ‘ave flown in from Paris today.’ Ki-Ki’s French accent seemed a little exaggerated.

‘Well, I’m going to have the pleasure of showing you two ladies the sights of London.’

‘The only problem is, we are prisoners. We can’t jump this fence.’ I meowed pathetically.

‘You don’t ‘ave to, Mesdemoiselles. Allow me.’

He ambled along the fence until he was about half way down. Scrabbling with his front paws and pushing with his nose, he managed to squeeze under the netting. The next minute, he was in the garden. ‘My name’s ‘King Alfred’, Alf to my friends.’

‘I’m known to my close friends as ‘Ki-Ki’ and this is ‘Pebbles.’

I heard Noah calling us from the kitchen.

‘Look you be ‘ere at 9 tonight and I’ll take you on a little tour. Okie doki?’

We only had time to nod uncertainly before he disappeared under the fence.

‘What’s he mean by ‘okie doki?’

‘We’ll find out at nine o’clock,’ purred Ki-Ki.

The family had decided to go to bed early. The journey from Paris had been tiring. They had a busy day ahead of them. This suited our cat plans purr fect  ly

We lay in the kitchen listening for the chimes of Big Ben, seven, eight and at last nine o’clock.

Ki-Ki slipped quietly through the cat flap. I followed warily. It was still a little strange to me.

It was a bright moonlit night. The trees were touched with silver. We edged slowly up the garden, keeping close to the fence. We could see Alf sitting waiting, his black coat shining in the moonlight.

‘Good evening, ladies. All ready for our feline adventure?’

‘Yes, looking forward to it,’ I meowed softly. Somehow it sounded rather loud in the silent garden. Even Ki-Ki was excited but too much of a lady to show it!

Always the gentleman, Alf lifted the netting with one paw. One by one, we crawled under the fence. Any moment I feared hearing Noah’s voice and being caught, even before our London adventure had begun. The next moment, we were wriggling between some iron railings into the street.

‘Here we are, easy as pie,’ purred Alf proudly. ‘First, I’m going to show you where I work.’

‘Work! That’s too tedious. Remember I’m from the Burmese royal line.’ Ki-Ki began to clean her delicious chocolate fur.

‘Ah, but my job is the most pres  ti  gious of any cat job in London.’ Alf purred in a deep, bass tone.

‘Well, it better be worth being dragged out of a very cosy bed.’ Ki-Ki tossed her head and flicked the rich brown tip of her tail.

Alf led the way down the brightly lit street. Ki-Ki and I slowly followed.

It seemed a long walk, through backstreets, as we followed in Alf’s paw steps. I thought Ki-Ki was going to sit down and refuse to budge. Then suddenly we came out on a busy street, still noisy and crowded, even at night. Alf stopped in front of a large building with blazing red lights. My reading had improved but I must admit my English was still limited. Ki-Ki read it out, ‘The Mousetrap’ and an odd name — ‘Agatha Christie’. The red lights made even our cats’ eyes blink. We followed Alf down a narrow passage at the side of the building.

‘If I don’t sit down for a minute, I’m going to collapse. My paws are killing me, walking on these horrid, hard streets.’

‘Ok, Mademoiselle Ki-Ki, sit down for a minute,’ meowed Alf.  ‘This is St Martin’s Theatre in the famous West End of London. I’m the theatre cat.’ Alf bowed proudly. ‘Now you’ll have to go on tip-claws here. No meowing. Perfect silence!’

Alf pushed against the Stage Door. It opened enough for the three of us to squeeze in. We crept stealthily up some narrow stairs. Alf stopped outside a door with ‘Royal Box’ engraved on a brass plate over the top.

‘Oh, this is obviously meant for me, the ‘Royal Box’. Kiki purred with pleasure and seemed to have quickly recovered.

Alf stood on the tips on his back paws and managed to reach the door handle. Although it was dark in the theatre, we were able to see the splendid chairs which I was later told were covered in gold and red material. We each jumped quietly on a chair and looked towards the front which Alf said was called ‘the stage’. When we looked round, we could see the theatre was full of people watching the play. It was so quiet you could have heard a mouse scurrying. Suddenly the lights on the stage went off, the whole theatre was dark. ‘This is the scariest scene,’ Alf meowed very quietly in a true stage whisper.

A voice was whistling, ‘Three blind mice’. I recognised it from one of Noah’s old books. Suddenly the lights came on. One of the actors was lying on the floor. Seemed an odd place to go to sleep. Alf explained later that she was dead – only in the play of course!

Then a young boy in the audience looked up and stared straight at us. We crouched down, too late. He was whispering ‘cats’ to his mother.

‘Time for our exit,’ hissed Alf. We pushed open the door, ran down the red-carpeted stairs, out of the stage door and into the side alley before you could say ‘King Alfred,’ let alone ‘Jack Robinson.’

Alf led us to a wall at the end of the alley. We climbed over it and found ourselves in an empty car park. ‘Hang on here. Back in a minute’ Alf disappeared into the night.

I could see Ki-Ki was nervous. ‘Don’t worry, he’ll be back. Don’t forget, I can always fly us home!’ I reminded her of the Paris adventure and my magic powers. Before I could meow more, Alf appeared out of the dark.

‘Come on, follow me. I’ve got a tasty surprise for you ladies.’

He led us to what looked like a ticket office on the other side of the yard. Alf suddenly meowed loudly and scratched at the black door.

 ‘Ok, ok, I’m coming!’.

The door slowly opened. An old man, wrapped up in a shabby coat and long grey scarf, stood on the door step. ‘Look ‘ere Tiddles, you turned yer nose up at the food just now. What are you playing at? Oh, I see you went and got yer lady friends!’ The old man laughed. ‘Hang on there. I’ll see what I can do.’

A few moments later, he re-appeared with three saucers and something which smelt distinctly fishy. He bent down stiffly and put the food in front of us. ‘Just got that from the waiter at the all- night café. He was about to bin it.’

I was afraid Ki-Ki would refuse to eat. She can be a bit of a ‘foodie’. Before I could say anything, her saucer was clean.

‘That was purr fectly delicious,’ she purred contentedly.

The old man leant down to stroke her. I could see Ki-Ki freeze, then shiver slightly. She was purring between her teeth, but he was happy.

As we walked away, the old guy stood looking after us. People can be rather sad sometimes. Alf meowed that he dropped in there most nights to keep the old boy company.

Alf now boasted that he was going to show us one of the most famous houses in London or in the whole world for that matter. He even yowled that it was more famous than the Elysee Palace in Paris. Of course, Ki -Ki and I objected. In fact, we yowled him down. But we could still hear him, meowing under his breath.

It was an exhausting cat walk along the hard London pavements. I thought Ki-Ki was going to sit down again and refuse to move. At last, we turned right into somewhere called Downing Street. Ki-Ki was meowing rebelliously, ‘Famous house! Never heard of it.’

We looked across the road and I could just make-out the number, ’10, Downing Street.’ A rather large man with an odd helmet on his head was standing outside. ‘Oh, he’s a policeman,’ I meowed proudly – I’d see some pictures in Noah’s guide book to London.

The door suddenly opened and a woman appeared. Before it closed, to our surprise, a cat sidled out. It wandered slowly across the road towards us.

Alf was perfectly at ease. He obviously knew the grey tabby approaching. Ki-Ki looked her usual superior self. This was a common enough domestic cat, even if this rather unimpressive town house was famous. I reserved my opinion, after all this was Alf’s territory.

‘This is Larry, the Downing Street cat. He has an official title, ‘Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office.’ This is the fifth British Prime Minister he has served! His duties include: greeting guests, inspecting security defences and testing the antique furniture for its napping qualities.’

‘I’m rather proud of my defence of the Prime Minister’s house. You can see the evidence in a video that went viral on the internet. I stalked a fox which had been hiding in the Downing Street Garden. Chased it, till it ran off towards Whitehall!’ Larry meowed loudly.

Ki-Ki yawned elegantly, placing a beautiful chocolate-coloured paw over her mouth.

‘Mind you, I’ve had one or two scraps with Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat. He once had the cheek to rip my collar off. Real gun boat diplomacy.’

The policeman strolled across the road. Alf quickly slid away into the shadows. Larry rubbed against the constable’s legs. Too late, I noticed Ki-Ki had actually fallen asleep. The policeman gently lifted her from the pavement and walked back to the famous door of number ten. Alf was meowing softly at me, telling me to run for it. I couldn’t abandon poor Ki-Ki, even to a policeman. I followed the constable back across the road. He knocked on the door of Number Ten. It was opened and after a whispered conversation, Ki-Ki was handed in. 

By the skin of my whiskers, I managed to slip in after her, before the door closed. Inside was a surprisingly large reception hall and a staircase lined with pictures of old, boring looking men. As a queen, I was disappointed to see only three pictures of women.

In a few minutes a black suited man appeared with two wicker baskets. I remembered being put in one of these contraptions as a kitten when I first moved into my Paris home. By this time, Ki-Ki had woken up. The moment she saw the baskets, she began to struggle. She meowed pitifully to me. ‘Help me, Pebbles. I can’t bear to be put in one of those dreadful cat boxes.’

I knew she remembered her terrifying experience when she had been stolen from the Paris apartment. Too late, the man had already bundled her into one of the boxes. Before I knew it, he had dumped me, unceremoniously into the second one.

Despite our resentful cries, we found ourselves in the boot of a car or van being driven through the streets of London.

I wondered what our family would say when they found we had disappeared in a strange city.

The van was pulling up. I could read a notice by the entrance to a large building, ‘BatterseaCats’ and Dogs’ Home’. ‘Oh no!’, I meowed to Ki-Ki. ‘You remember in Paris how Roddy warned us about cats’ homes.?’

Before she could reply, our baskets had been carried into a sort of reception room. One by one we were gently lifted out. There were sudden flashes which made me blink.

‘Don’t worry, they’re only taking our photos. I wish I had been warned.’ Ki-Ki tossed her head.’ I would have tidied my hair.’

‘Now let’s see if these two have been micro chipped,’ one of the attendants remarked.

‘The Burmese almost certainly will be registered but I’m not sure about the tortoise shell.’

I didn’t know what ‘chipping’ meant but I rather resented the man’s dismissive tone. Why 

shouldn’t a tortoise shell be treated the same as a Burmese? After all we were both staunch republicans at heart. The two men were busy looking at a computer screen. I quietly meowed to Ki-KI that this was a chance to escape from this ‘chipping’ query, whatever it meant. We sat close to the door. 

‘I don’t know about you, mate, but I could do with a cuppa.’ With this, one of the men walked towards the exit.

‘This is our chance,’ I meowed softly in Ki-Ki’s ear. As quick as lightning we shot through the the half open door before either of the men had realised.

‘How will we get home?’ Ki-Ki meowed despondently. ‘We’re lost in London!’

‘Look we just need a wall, something high so we can take off safely.’ At precisely that moment I saw a high wall enclosing a cobbled yard. ‘That’ll do, we can use it as a platform.’

I knew Ki-Ki was exhausted and I was tired too. With our last ounce of energy, we scrambled up the brick wall. The tips of our claws just saved us from falling back. 

I wished with all my remaining strength for the magic wings which had saved us in Paris. I could feel them quickly forming. Ki-Ki’s beautiful, regal wings had also sprung into place, transparent and gleaming.

‘Un, deux, trois, take off!’ I yowled. We rose higher and higher. There was the river Thames far beneath. Boats looked like toys floating in a bath in the early morning light. We were drifting past a huge clock.

 ‘That’s Big Ben,’ called Ki-Ki. ‘Hope it doesn’t strike. It would deafen us,’ she yowled.

Far below, I recognised Downing Street. Larry was a small dot of grey fur sitting by the famous door. Then below us was a large open space. I thought I recognised Horse Guards, from a guide book the boys had been studying. Next, we were looking down on a straight road lined with trees and decorated with the British Flag, same colour as the French Tricolour. Though we cats can’t see the colours.

Then there in front of us was Buckingham Palace with the sun rising. A different flag was flying above the palace. Ki-Ki said it was the Royal Standard which showed the King was there. Trust her to know that! I hovered for a while over the palace but no glimpse of the King.

I knew roughly where our street was by using Big Ben as a reference point. Flying back towards the big clock, I recognised the tree lined avenue which had reminded me of Paris.

I signalled to Ki-Ki to prepare to land. We landed softly on the lawn in the back garden, exactly where we had met Alf the previous evening which now seemed so long ago. Our wings disappeared as mysteriously as they had arrived!

The house was silent. The family were still asleep. We crept into our baskets and were soon snoozing.

We awoke to Noah observing, ‘Look at those lazy cats. They’ve been sleeping all night!’

Perseus —the hero’s return!


Perseus is sitting down and his brother Jason is walking.
Perseus, a name to conjure with
a hero of ancient times
beloved by the gods
a black cat rejected
the last abandoned
unlucky runt
of the litter
finally a home
acceptance now
heroic classical name
food warmth attention
garden to wander explore
a garage, sheds with rodents
shrubs hedges hiding places galore
disaster strikes
wounded shoulder
poisoned infected bite
thin declining sinking fast
frightened refuses treatment
it was impossible for him to last
death seemed certain and imminent
then hope
revival possible
captured for treatment
injected with antibiotics
but now dying of a broken heart
hears his name called softly over the phone
is euphorically happy to return to the place he calls home

Note: A true tale of Perseus, a rescued black cat. He suffered a bite, probably from another cat, this became infected. The owners couldn’t catch him at first and he was deteriorating fast. At last, they managed to get him to a vet. He was injected and kept in the care of a local cat charity until he had finished a course of medication. He refused to eat and was dying. His owner spoke to him on the phone and he recognised her voice. He began to recover. He was taken home and was euphoric, yowling, rushing up to be stroked by the members of the family and be reunited with his litter brother! Looking better than ever now at age fourteen.

DON’T JUDGE A CAT BY ITS COLOUR!


I was rather tired and grumpy that weekend. Who wants to be the runt of the litter and the smallest, and the skinniest and ‘a funny mixture of colours’?  The biggest insult of all was when a spoilt English kid chose my rather dull tabby sister over me! Of course, she was my litter sister but I knew she wasn’t ‘special’ like me. Anyway, more of that later! This is my story, so you have to be patient, feline or not.

     I should explain I live in Paris, in a rather superior apartment, in a rather fashionable arrondissement – district – for those whose French is limited. My mother is, let’s be honest, a bit of a flirt. She lives in the café next door and has many admirers. To cut a long story short – catty stories have naturally long ‘tails’ – all her last litter had homes, except for me.

     I’d noticed a young boy come into the café once or twice for coffee with his mother and brothers. They seemed quite civilised compared with most young people who are usually flipping through those mobile phones or playing some sort of mindless games on them. That particular morning, being the last kitten, I had been allowed to wander around the café. You’d be surprised what tasty cordon bleu titbits fall on the floors of French restaurants!

     The youngest boy suddenly ran and picked me up. As you can imagine I had my claws ready. After all, what cat worth his sturgeon likes to be scraped up off the floor? But this kid was a true gentleman. He stroked me so softly, I almost found myself purring. The mother put out her hands to take me. They were talking in some harsh sounding language. I later learnt it was called English; I’ve always preferred my mother tongue, more suited to feline discussions I feel. She reverted to French when talking to the waiter and inquired if I was the last of the litter. She explained to her son that I was a ‘tortoiseshell’ cat and almost certainly a female. Embarrassing to hear strangers discussing such intimate details!

     Before I could squeak a word, I found myself in a wicker basket being carried or rather ‘swung’ by the young boy. I could see through the gaps large things on wheels rushing up and down the roads. The drivers seemed to ignore special places for walkers to cross safely! Twice my young carrier was nearly squashed, together with me in the basket! 

Luckily, we soon turned into a tall, grand building. The entrance hall gleamed with glass. Tall waxy green plants lined the walls. The concierge or ‘caretaker’ came out for a chat. I heard a rather rough voice talking to me through the side of the basket.

‘You can always pee in these plant plots if you get taken short!’ It meowed in poor French. I later learnt it was a foreign cat and rather ill-bred!

The mother of the boys pressed a button and a large metal cage suddenly landed in the hall. Of course, I later learnt it was a ‘lift’ or what Americans – more of them later- call an ‘elevator’. We were whizzing upwards so fast, I thought we would fly out through the roof. No, it was safe. We had arrived on the top floor!

     I knew immediately this apartment was what the English call ‘posh’ – perfect, overall shelter for handsome cats. The sofas had great views. I could see a very tall iron insect just across the road. I soon realised people called it the Eiffel Tower! The kitchen led into the main room so plenty of chance of those special tit-bits. Above were two large terraces with small trees and plants. No need to nip down to the hallway pots! In the main room was a very upmarket cat bed, lined with sheepskin. I was just thinking about trying it out when a real ‘Goldilocks’ of a cat appeared. She slipped elegantly into the cat bed with a ‘whose been sleeping in my bed?’ very catty look! The young man opened the lid of the basket and gently lifted me out. 

      I had learnt he was called Noah and he seemed anxious to make me feel at home.

 ‘Shall I go and get her a basket, Ki-Ki will never share!’

     By the evening I felt very settled in. I had my own comfortable bed and had eaten my fill of special kitten food. I knew it was for kittens because it had pictures of rather silly looking fluffy white kittens on the tin!

     A long discussion followed and the voices got rather excited. My English at that time was quite limited but I realised they were arguing about my name.  By this time the father had arrived home from some strange place called ‘the office’ which seemed to be very popular with him.  He went every day, even sometimes at weekends. He stopped all the commotion. He named me ‘Pebbles’ because my coat reminded him of a beach he had known as a child. I had rather feared he might choose ‘Office’ which didn’t sound very lady-like.

     After the lights had been switched off, Ki-Ki lay stretched out in the basket next to me. She was a beautiful light chocolate with darker ears and feet. Her eyes were the deepest yellow but at night, they had a magical greenish sheen. She told me she belonged to a very aristocratic family descended from the royal cats of Burma! She tolerated Ki-Ki but her real name was Wong Anastasia Tallulah. I was half asleep as her smooth, silky voice told me stories of her famous ancestors and their homes in the great Buddhist Temples of her homeland. ‘Silks, rubies, lakes, temples, mysterious jungles…’ I drifted off to sleep!

Ki-Ki and I became good friends. We were deservedly spoilt cats I’m pleased to say. We never went out on the dangerous roads around Trocadero, a tourist centre with cars, scooters, electric cycles, buses, delivery lorries all competing with each other. We roamed the two terraces and lay luxuriating in the Spring sunshine, looking at the tiny figures, far down at street level, queueing for the Eiffel Tower or eating ice creams beneath the café awnings! That is until one terrible Saturday!

There was a generally relaxed feel about Saturdays. The boys looked forward to a weekend of sport. Even the office seemed to lose its attraction. It was an evening for sitting up on the top terrace and letting the noise and hustle go on far below! 

     That Saturday was odd from the beginning. The father left for the office early. The boys were away at a football tournament. The doorbell suddenly rang. I could hear it from my warm cushion on the terrace. Ki-Ki called quietly from her basket. ‘Watch out! Gardeners are coming to water the plants!’

     Just as I stood up and lazily stretched my front legs, then arched my back, two men in overalls came upstairs onto the terrace. They were not the usual men. Their voices were different and their smell. They didn’t seem to understand the watering system. They stood by the edge of the terrace talking in low voices. As I edged nearer, the tall guy kicked at me. I was sure I heard the other one say, ‘Not that one!’ Below I heard the door slam. Ki-Ki appeared at the end of the terrace meowing, ‘She’s just gone out to buy croissants.’

     The minute the door slammed, one of the men produced a wicker basket, just like the one I had been carried in as a kitten! In a flash I knew why they were there. Ki-Ki stood at the opposite end of the terrace. I screeched as loudly as I could and dug my claws into the leg of the man who had kicked me. He kicked out at me again and ran down one side of the terrace. The guy with the cat basket ran down the other. Ki-Ki moved too late-she was cornered! She leapt onto the parapet. I thought she was going to jump. I looked down to the toy cars and ant-like figures far below. As she hesitated, the tall man had grabbed her. Ki-Ki was screeching as only Burmese cats can. Some of her beautiful chocolate fur was flying. One man’s face had bleeding claw marks but between them they had her in the basket. I heard the door slam and the lift clang. Ki-Ki had gone!

I balanced on the edge of the parapet. For a split second I hesitated. It seemed so far down, even the lorries looked like tiny models! I quickly remembered my mother’s voice reassuring me when I remained left behind, rejected.

     ‘You are special, the seventh tortoiseshell kitten born of a seventh tortoiseshell mother! You have nine wishes for each of your nine lives. Use them wisely!’

     Well now, if ever, was the moment to risk one of those lives. I closed my eyes. I wished for ‘cat wings’! (In my kitten crisis, I almost said ‘catkins’.) All was well. I could feel with my back paw a pair of furry wings sprouting at the bottom of my neck. I launched myself off into the blue Paris sky. For a quick practice I flew once over the top of the Eiffel Tower, before flying up Rue de Longchamp, outside ourapartment. I hovered, like those helicopters I’d seen on the TV. Down below Ki-Ki was being bungled into a dirty old grey van. How humiliating for a Burmese Princess! No time to waste. The van was turning left by the Indian Restaurant on the corner.

I found it quite easy keeping up with the vehicle which was winding its way through the lunchtime traffic. Traffic lights proved a little tricky. I had to practise my hovering skills and avoid overhead wires! Soon we were driving out through the suburbs. We crossed the river Seine which I admit scared me. Like most cats, I don’t like water. I could see the road went through a tunnel. My head was a little too close to the brickwork for comfort! It was great when the road left the tunnel and there was just a sunny sky above. I was enjoying the breeze in my hair so much that I almost lost the van as it made a sudden right turn. After a couple of kilometres, it drove up a rough, unkept drive and parked in front of a gloomy, ramshackle house. A broken, weather-worn ‘For Sale’ notice lay at the edge of the garden. This was a house that had been empty for some time. Ki-Ki was carried in through the front door. The tall guy seemed to have the key. Just before the door swung shut, I managed to squeeze into the front hall. It was dark and dusty with cobwebs everywhere. The smaller guy put the basket on a large table. I couldn’t see Ki-Ki moving.  She seemed to be lying asleep. I couldn’t risk being seen. I had to hide in the shadows. I watched the men poke some of that dry food through the wicker work. I knew Ki-Ki hated it.

After a brief phone call, the two men left. I could hear the old van disappearing down the drive. I checked quickly. The wings had gone! I glimpsed myself in an old mirror. I looked the same charming cat as before. Jumping onto the table, I peered at Ki-Ki through the side of the basket. Her beautiful eyes were closed and her coat, usually so silky and smooth, was dirty and dishevelled! I purred reassuringly and whispered her name. Her eyes slowly opened. She blinked in disbelief.

     ‘Pebbles, is it really you, darling? Did you squeeze into the van?’

     ‘No, I flew here! Not on Air France, silly! Under my own steam, or to be accurate- wings!’

     ‘But you’re feline, not avian.  I’ve seen a few rare exotic cats like me, but never one with wings.’

     ‘We have lots to meow over but not now!’

At that moment I heard a gruff feline voice from behind some shabby curtains.

‘Why are Parisian demoiselles hanging out in this ugly, dirty old house?’ 

     ‘We’re prisoners and we need a chevalier like you to come to our rescue. It seemed to me to be best to address him in gentlemanly terms, despite his dreadful provincial accent. A large, fluffy,  ginger tom leapt onto the table beside us.

     ‘Hot Rod, or Roddy to my lady friends. At your service mesdames. It’s not often I see a couple of queens round ‘ere, unescorted.’

     I could feel Ki-Ki cringe from the top of one elegant ear to the tip of her ‘su purr b’ tail!  Well needs must etc.

     ‘Them two thieves will be back soon. I ‘eard what they was saying. We gotta get moving, ladies. 

       First, we need to get you out of that damn basket, if you’ll excuse my French!’

       Before I could use my second wish, Roddy had charged at the basket and sent it spinning off the table, across the floor, with poor Ki-Ki rolling around inside. She was yowling in true Burmese style. He lifted the basket lid open with a deft tap of this paw. I guessed this was not the first time he’d opened a cat basket or rescued a lady in distress.

Now a triple entente or an entente cordiale, we sat and plotted on the dusty carpet. Escaping from  the house was easy. The old cat flap still functioned. Roddy was quick to show us this magical, but unfamiliar, device. We sat in the back garden among broken deck chairs, splintered flower pots and discarded shutters. We all agreed that flying back was our best option. The problem was neither of us had a great sense of direction beyond our posh apartment and the two terraces.

     Roddy, far more ‘catwise’, came up with a plan worthy of Macavity himself!  ‘There’s a bus that goes from the bottom of the road ‘ere all the way to Montmartre. You can see the Eiffel Tower from there. Then you’ll be able to wing it.’

Early next morning we hung around in the bushes behind the bus station. Roddy pointed out that three such different felines would attract unwanted attention. We could, according to Roddy, end up at somewhere called the ‘Cats’ Home’ which he didn’t recommend! The bus was on time and the driver opened the boot for cases and other luggage, just as Roddy had predicted. As the driver went to the front to check the tickets, Ki-ki and I squeezed in behind the luggage. It was dark and sadly the boot was slammed shut, before we could say goodbye to Roddy.

     The bus at first travelled quickly. I guessed we were still in the suburbs. The luggage was loosely stacked. Ki-Ki just escaped a bag of golf clubs whacking her on the head. I caught my front paws under a heavy brief case. They were sore for weeks. After it reached the city itself, the bus stopped far more frequently! Every time the boot was opened the pile of luggage grew smaller and the space to hide smaller too! There were very few cases left. The bus was climbing steeply. Ki-Ki and I were rolling about like a pair of drunken old toms. It suddenly came to a halt and we were both thrown forward. We had agreed when the boot was opened, we’d just make a run for it. Surprise seemed our best chance of escaping.

As soon as we could see a crack of light, we made a run for it! There were uneven cobble stones on the road but we ran slipping and sliding up some steep steps into a tall white building that reflected the bright sunlight. It was beautiful and quiet inside, gold and white. We stared at a huge, stone carving of a kind–looking Man with His arms stretching out. Afterwards, Ki-Ki said she had felt included in this embrace! I’d felt that too.

     On the left was a flight of steps which looked as if they led upwards. I called to Ki-Ki to follow. Flights of stone steps led on and on, ever upwards. Ahead we could see shoes and legs, some covered, others bare. Voices of children could be heard complaining. ‘Mom, it’s too hot!’ or ‘Gee! How many more steps?’ or ‘Pass the water bottle!’

     They seemed to be speaking a dialect of English. Ki-Ki said later she guessed they were Americans! I was concentrating on counting. So far, I’d made it over two hundred steps and still going! After creeping past another group of tourists, we heard a woman’s voice- ‘Oh so sweet- church cats, even in the famous Sacre Coeur. Well, I guess they suffer from mice too!’

At last, I mewed to myself, ‘Three hundred!’. Ki-Ki was only a couple of steps behind. We were indeed in the top of the great Church of the Sacred Heart, under a sort of upside- down stone cup. (Later, I learnt from one of Noah’s books it was called a ‘dome’.) From this point we had a most fantastic view of Paris, winding lanes twisting down to Montmartre, thousands of roof tops with the famous Paris chimneys. There, far in the distance, was the Eiffel tower. Flying above would give us a wonderful cat’s eye view! Our wings had magically sprouted. Mine were speckled in the sun- just like the beach I’d been named after. Ki-Ki’s were like an eastern Queen’s robes- transparent, light as thistledown and sparkling in the summer light! We sprang into the air. The wind carried us over this beautiful city which the boys had so often spoken about. Beneath us passed wide boulevards, with distant vistas. There were the gardens of the Louvre, the grand shops of the Champs Elysees, the magnificent Arc de Triomphe. There ahead was the Eiffel tower. We flew round it once. Why? Just because we could! Then there was the very same terrace I’d left the day before!  It looked empty as we floated in to land. 

     The moment our paws touched the concrete, our wings vanished into air, into thin air. We could hear the boys’ voices drifting up from the lounge. Side by side we strolled downstairs. The family, our family, stood and stared.

‘I told you they were hiding somewhere on the top terrace. Not for nothing do cats have nine lives,’ said Noah. 

‘Only seven now,” I murmured to Ki-Ki. “I gave one to you.’

Cat Backchat


Kittens grow out of meowing

once they finish suckling.

No need to talk to each other

Just to make mom aware

of the need to open the bar

and keep the milk on tap

The runt of the litter

he’s the best speaker

Silence is death

Meowing, a life-line.

Once you’re on solids

you can cat-chat and back-chat

in a uniquely feline way

Use your tail, master the signals-

Straight up equals happy

Twitching means anxious or angry

Body language is vital

Rubbing, usually friendly,

transfers the scent

The catty equivalent of

Chanel Nos.5 or Prada

Cats only meow

 to control their human masters,

who are dull enough

to need constant reminders:

‘Food!’  ‘Door’!   ‘Warmth’!

‘Bed’!   Attention’!

To fellow felines 

they trill and chatter

like whiskery old gossips

Yowling and howling

is melodramatic

suggesting desperation-

Succour, Pain, Mate

It disturbs the owner

who can’t interpret

this ancient cry

from the jungle

Man has had catty relationships

Since the time of the Pharaohs

Cats have been deified sanctified

mummified vilified,

black-listed demonised,

but we still haven’t mastered

basic cat-chat!

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