Epistles from the Emperor: Vol. IX


photo by Clarabelle Fields

Reflections and musings on an anniversary.

I write to you, dearest subjects, at the turn of another season. I began penning these letters to you nine months ago in the depths of winter. Soon, I will move back to my winter quarters in preparation for long, frozen nights and cloudy, sleepy days. The warmer seasons have been eventful this year, rife with intrigue and change. I am not sure what this winter will bring, but I hope, at the very least, it will bring a kind of peaceful, introspective slowness to my empire, and that I can nap by my fire again, undisturbed and in my most suitable feline glory.

Around the time that I began writing to you, I had been hearing rumors of a creature known as Dog coming in my imminent future. Little did I know the kind of changes that would come to my life in the seasons after. It is safe to say that at this point Dog is not going anywhere. For the first few months, I held out some hope that Dog might have been a temporary visitor in my realm. Unfortunately, as I suspected, this was never meant to be the case. As I approach nine months cohabitating with Dog, I have begun coming to terms with the fact that he is indeed a visitor of the permanent variety.

This September marks my fifth year since assuming the position of emperor in this household. In the years since my ascension, I have learned much about imperial ways. I have gained experience, confidence, understanding. But, I will admit, little had prepared me properly for the arrival of Dog after five years of ruling largely undisturbed and alone.

I never thought I would “share” — how I hate that word — my empire with anyone, and certainly not someone as stupid and uncivilized as Dog. Alas, I did not have much choice. I have made the best of things as much as I can. Dog is learning, in a slow, painstaking process, how to carry himself around the Emperor. His learning is very slow. But he does learn eventually, and I don’t have to use my claws as much anymore.

This winter will not be like the winters past, but perhaps I will sleep by my fire after all. Perhaps as Dog grows older, he will grow wiser, although he will never be as wise as me. My human says that one day she hopes to see us sleeping by the fire together. I laugh at this foolishness. Obviously, that will never happen — Dog is stinky and scratches himself obnoxiously. I would never sleep next to Dog. But maybe one day, just maybe, Dog will be a good subject to me. Maybe I will watch over my empire from my regal high spots, and Dog will be among the crowd, one of many who are loyal to me.

Sometimes, for a few minutes, I sit next to Dog. He is stinky, but he is warm, full of a never-ending kind of stupid, wholehearted love. He follows me around the house, and he checks up on me throughout the day while I’m taking my regal rest. Sometimes he worries about me, protects me. My human says he sees me as one of his sheep, something to guard with his life.

Maybe human was not so foolish after all. Maybe Dog will have a place in my empire one day. He just needs to keep learning, and I will have a place for him under my mighty Paw.

Until next time,

Emperor Julius

Epistles from the Emperor: Vol. VIII


photo by Clarabelle Fields

We interrupt your usual monthly communication from the emperor to bring you an emergency missive!

Pay attention, readers, for this is an important message from his highness, Emperor Julius!

His highness is currently being held hostage and subjected to atrocious acts. Despite his power, he is currently unable to escape from this predicament. His highness requests assistance immediately. He does not know if he will survive. Should he survive, he will be a shadow of his former self, haunted by nightmares. He is suffering horrors he hoped never to experience. The Emperor is being given a bath!

This emergency missive comes from the dark depths of the bathroom where the bath is occurring. The brave emperor, despite his struggles, has managed to compose and send this message out to all of his loyal followers:

Dearest subjects, this was an utterly unnecessary atrocity! I am not guilty of the things they claim — I hadn’t gotten into anything I wasn’t supposed to! I was not so dirty that I needed a human-enforced bath, and certainly not one with cat shampoo! I was fine, I could have taken care of things myself.

Baths are for Dog, not me! Dog gets them frequently, since he rolls in mud and other unspeakable things. But baths are not for me, not for cats, and especially not an Emperor, even if he has in fact gotten into things he wasn’t supposed to get into.

What an insult! They will pay dearly for this once they have unhanded me. Of all the things you could subject a cat to, a bath is by far the worst.

Lies and slander! It’s all lies and slander! I might have been dirty, but I didn’t need a bath!

My servants will regret their decision, mark my words!

Until next time — assuming I live to tell the tale.

Signed,

Emperor Julius

Emperor Julius, despite his claims to contrary, did survive his bath

Living with Humans


drawing by Ali Noel Vyain

Living with humans isn’t always great, but from what I hear, it’s better than living outside. I’ve never lived outside very long. Just that time I was so mad about the kitten, but eventually my girl convinced me to go back home with her.

I did and I haven’t regretted it since. At least she never had many other humans in our home as other humans I used to live with. Before her, I wasn’t as loved and cherished. I was the cat who was ignored. She changed that.

So, if you’re a cat and you’re lucky enough to get a devoted human, take them when they come. Your life will be blessed and much safer than if you have to fend for yourself and on your own.

Treats


graphic from Ali Noel Vyain

For any cats, treats are those items they don’t need to help them stay alive. They are those food items which they like to have and may claim they never got them when you ask them. They are small bite size pieces and cats never need much or they could gain weight as many humans can. Treats are something cats like to have when they’re available, but they can get tired of them if they get them too often or too much of them at any time.

Cat Quotes 3:08


graphic by Ali Noel Vyain

Even the stupidest cat seems to know more than any dog. —Eleanor Clark

Dogs are content to please and be good for their humans. Cats know how to get the same care without having to please. They can get what they need and want from their humans without those things. They can be quite adorable. They know what they are doing. It’s no wonder that I can’t say no to them.

A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not. —Ernest Hemingway

Cats have no reason to hide what they feel. They have no filters and don’t care what we really think of them. Humans tend to worry about what others think of them and feel the need to hide how they really feel. Perhaps are right to be emotionally honest.

Mittens for Kittens


Fuzzy and cuddly,
Mittens worn
On hands and feet
Going beyond
The obsolete
Enjoying winter weather
Without wondering whether
Or not to go outside
Because chills might cause
Unreasonable thrills,
But also learn to
Relax and chill,
And simply find a way
To enjoy this only day
No matter what
Others say,
And remember to
Cope with the cold,
And never worry
About getting old,
And express thankfulness
For only this
Moment in time,
Which is the present,
And never resent

Epistles from the Emperor: Vol VII


photo by Clarabelle Fields

Happy summer tidings, my dearest subjects. A month has already passed since my last missive to all of you. The active, bird-filled days of spring are gone now, having melted away into the long, lazy days of summer. I have completed my move into my summer quarters, as is usual. In warmer months, I typically prefer the airy solitude of my window sleeping-places over my chair by the fireplace. I enjoy my chair, and my bed, and my servants’ laps, but there is a season for everything, and summer is the season for unbothered napping in sunny windowsills.

Unfortunately, the job of emperor comes with great responsibility, and I have many tasks I must take care of throughout my empire. It is not easy for me to nap as luxuriously and unbothered as I would like these days. There is stress upon me, for we are in the midst of another ongoing assault upon my borders and my sovereignty. But this assault is not, as you might be expecting, the fault of Dog. Are you surprised, dear subjects? In my last letter, I wrote of my plans for an ongoing cold war with Dog. My plans have remained unchanged, and the cold war is currently in motion, the gears of time slowly turning towards my inevitable victory. However, since the wait for this victory is long, and since I must play my cards carefully, I have actually found a use for Dog in the meantime…

My empire is currently under attack by a rogue army. Skirmishers have banded together to try to move into my territory. They come at night, unannounced and unexpected, leaving as quickly as they attack, always trying to take something with them: my birdseed, my soil, my scent. There are two cats who are the linchpins of the affair, dual leaders in this scheme to usurp me. They rush me from my flanks at night, even sometimes during the day if they are feeling particularly brazen. They have enlisted the help of a wily possum who knows the ins and outs of the land and has been scoping out the flaws in my defenses. There is also Doe, whom they have enlisted for her size and speed. I see her running past my territory lines at dawn, always watching, relaying information back to the linchpins so they can plan their next assault. I don’t even want to think about the coyotes in the woods beyond my house. I hear them chattering and laughing at night, and I can only hope and pray that they have not yet been drafted into the battle against me.

This, my dear subjects, is where Dog comes in, an unlikely ally in this affair. As I mentioned before, I previously believed he had ulterior motives, but the more time I have spent with him, the more I have begun to believe that he really is just a cheerful idiot. He seems eager to help me in this battle, so at the very least–for now–I will pretend that we are on the same side and that I have good intentions for him in my heart. He could be trying to play the long game like I am, but he has shown no signs of treachery. All day and night, he valiantly guards my empire as if his life depends on it. He has defended us from the cats, from Wily Possum, from Doe. He has tried to defend us from the coyotes preemptively, setting up a patrol perimeter on the border between us and them. He might be large and stupid and stinky, but he has proved to be a valuable ally in this fight.

For now, we work together, and we will wait and see what the future brings. I do not ever intend to let Dog get the better of me, but he has a job to do for me, and he is doing it well.

Until next time,

Emperor Julius

Dry Food


graphic from Ali Noel Vyain

Dry food refers to the common food cats get when they live indoors with humans. The food is processed and is small bite size pieces of food. For any vegetarian, the food smells awful, but cats tend to love it because of the high animal content. Dry food is also referred to as crunchies because of all the crunching cats do when eating this food.

Meow How


Cats might meow,
And some would wonder
How dogs would like to
Act sadistically
Towards felines,
When in fact,
All living creatures
Have their own unique features
As a global Animal Kingdom,
And hopefully human beings
Would have the wisdom
To help the Earth,
And possibly create
And appreciate
A new world
Begun at birth

Wet Food


graphic from Ali Noel Vyain

For a cat, wet food is a wonderful food treat. The good stuff has plenty of meat to get them excited as soon as they smell it. A human pops the lid off and the cat goes crazy until they can have it just below their mouth. Then they chow down. Depending upon whether they have trouble with their teeth or digestive trouble, wet food could be a necessity so the cat won’t go hungry. Usually, it’s just a treat compared to their regular food they eat.

I’ve noticed when I give wet food to the cats I live with, they tend to clean their teeth more than when they eat dry food. I find that a good thing when cats have complained whenever I’ve tried to brush their teeth.

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