The Trouble with Robots

Emperor Julius has often spoken about his humans’ various attempts to put him on diets now and again–despite the fact that he has tirelessly tried to convince them that it is more becoming for an emperor to sport a bit of pudge rather than the alternative, unfortunately they seem to have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the mis-directions of the vet, and as such they continue to insist that he must lose a few pounds.

This struggle has been ongoing for a number of years now, and for a while, it seemed that Julius had begun to gain the upper paw. Despite initial periods of famine, he soon learned to act strategically, exploiting the humans at their weak points, namely their need for sleep. Much advantage could be gained, he found, by sneaky tactics intended to chip away at the humans’ early morning repose. Humans are particularly vulnerable in those few liminal hours around sunrise, and it is during this time that they seem to be particularly defensive of their sleep. A steadily increasing repertoire of annoyance–tapping paws, solicitous meows, aggressive headbutts–is often be enough to motivate acquiescence in them at this time of morning.

And for some time, this approach worked for Emperor Julius. He found that the humans often did not have the energy or the wherewithal to fight him on his protests, and he could contentedly expect some extra snacks in the morning or throughout the day when the humans did not feel like dealing with him screaming at them.

Then alas, overnight, he found his tactics no longer worked like they used to…

His humans had introduced the robot.

They were excited about it, so at first he assumed it must be a good thing. There was much flurry and activity around his food, kibble being measured and poured, calories counted, settings set up. The humans beamed with pride when they stepped away. He was left with a new companion alongside his water bowl, a shiny, tall metal robot-thing that they said would soon be his new best friend: Autofeeder. He felt a little fluttering of hope–maybe Autofeeder would join him and be a friend and supporter on his quest for increased rations.

But Autofeeder turned out to be nothing like Julius had imagined. He found his cries about famine now fell on deaf and uncaring metal ears. Autofeeder sat unperturbed and impervious on the counter, dispensing only as much food as the vet prescribed, not one kibble more. And now the humans did not seem even the slightest bit compassionate in the mornings, even in the wee hours when they used to be so malleable. They would just close their eyes and turn their backs to him, saying that Autofeeder would take care of him soon.

Such betrayal! Disappointment!

Now Emperor Julius is back to the drawing board, only this time with fewer tricks up his furry sleeves. He has yet to figure out how to manipulate the cold, battery-driven heart of Autofeeder. So far threats, supplication, and begging have failed to work, so he is going to have to think of something else.

One day, the robot will be his.

One day.

September 1, 2023 0

The Great Mysteries

In Emperor Julius’ last post, he spoke of his observations of the world beyond, as well as his contentedness in remaining a strictly indoor emperor even in the face of garrulous goings-on outside of his empire’s borders. While it’s true that the realm beyond has not held much sway over his Royal Highness, there are other areas that do tempt and summon him with their intense mystery, namely the places within his own imperial borders that he has not yet been privy to exploring: the strange, shadow-shrouded, cut-off realms known to him only as the Great Mysteries.

As you readers might already know, especially if you are familiar with cats, mysteries are not things they find acceptable–at least if the mysteries are kept from them. Cats are very fond of having their own mysteries, such as secret hiding places where hair ties and Q-tips can be squirreled away for later, but it is very much a faux pas if the humans keep mysteries from them. Cats are, after all, the rulers of the house, and it is simply not fitting to keep things from your felines. But evidently Julius’ humans are still being schooled in the ways of the world, and as such, it is left up to Emperor Julius to figure out the true nature of these Great Mysteries.

There are three Great Mysteries in his house, but out of all of these, one concerns Julius more than the rest. The other two are more minor Mysteries, ones that he can probably save for a rainy day. (He believes the humans have dubbed them “closets”.) These can wait, for the third Great Mystery is far greater than any of these. At the edge of one of his borders lies a door that he is not supposed to go through, and beyond that door lies dark, cacophonous realm of hidden activity, a place with a portal of some sort through which things like groceries come in and trash bags leave. The humans tramp in and out of it each day, bringing with them foreign smells of unknown and faraway places.

On a few rare occasions, Julius managed to make quick missions into this place, running like a furtive spy, and he found it cavernous and cold and dark, full of smells unlike anything he had ever found before. While exploring there, he also discovered a strange animal that lives alone in the dark, something completely unlike a cat or a dog or a mouse, with cold metal skin and a belly full of gasoline. Sometimes it roars with a frightening sound like that of a lion, but Dog does not seem to fear it. He is allowed to go through the door into this world, and he is quite happy to do so. (Either he is very stupid, or he is in some kind of cahoots with the great beast.)

But indeed the truth of this Great Mystery and the beast that lives within it has not been fully uncovered yet, for Julius’ trips into this strange realm have been kept quite short. His humans, clearly not wanting him to discover the true depth of the Great Mystery, quickly shoo him back over the border into his own realm again. Thankfully the beast is quiet at night and seems to sleep soundly, and, to date, it has not yet tried to make moves on Julius’ land. The humans continue to go in and out, taking the beast for its long walks.

One day, perhaps, Julius will finally uncover the truth. Until then, he will be waiting (and listening) on the other side of the door.

August 1, 2023 0

The world beyond imperial borders

Photo by Jonathan Hunt on Unsplash

Ah, the sweet siren song of the outdoors, the great beyond…

How often feline ears perk up at its summoning…

Although no doubt born with the breath of the wild, Emperor Julius has almost exclusively been an indoor emperor throughout his life, and he is quite happy that way. He has had several opportunities to experience the great outdoors — once or twice, a door was left cracked just a little too wide, and a wayward breeze blew in his favor, opening the gates in front of him–but he finds he much prefers the stable comfort of his indoor realm to the unpredictability (and cold, wet grass) of the world beyond.

There are other cats in the neighborhood, however, who are outdoor emperors. Unlike indoor emperors, they rise fast and fall fast, living hard lives full of adventure and war. Over the months of the year, story arcs befitting Greek dramas or tragedies play out beneath the backyard honeysuckle bushes. The two reigning tomcats, grizzled and battle-torn, struggle for dominance over the little cat-trails that they have worn within and around neighboring yards. Many a summer night is spent in the throes of the tomcats’ martial performances. Their fair-weather tortie queen, who flirts with both of them depending on her mood, watches them from the comfort of her outdoor chaise-lounge, lazily flicking her tail in the summer wind.

Accounts of their struggles travel far and wide throughout the realm. The neighborhood dogs, the watchers and jesters of other households, howl epic tales recounting the tomcats’ battles, and the local birds, especially the galivanting, jocular neighborhood crows, take front-row seats at the arena, watching and snickering from branches above. Even the coyotes, relegated to the farthest reaches of the realm, have heard of the tomcats’ prowess. (They will probably think twice about snatching one of those cats for dinner this year–better to go after the irritating little chihuahuas instead.)

And Emperor Julius observes this all, silently, from the highest perch of the land, his seven-foot-tall indoor cat tree, as empires rise and fall and rise again beneath him in the summer sun.

He just watches and smiles smugly to himself, knowing he will forever be emperor of his own land.

The breath of the wild in the wind is a nice aftertaste, but nothing will beat the comfort of his own bed.

Until next time…

July 1, 2023 1

Being the best kind of muse

photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash

Emperor Julius, like many royal felines around the globe, has a long roster of official duties to do in his household. Among many roles, he is his house’s ruler, supervisor, mouse hunter, and blanket-tester. But that is not all that Julius does in his household–one of his most important roles, perhaps, is that of being a muse to his creative human.

It is a well-known fact that humans often look to the natural world around them for inspiration for their work. The natural world abounds with sources of inspiration for human creatives — beautiful sunsets, luscious trees, colorful flowers, all sorts of animals big and small–and, according to Emperor Julius, the most inspirational animal of all of these is none other than the royal, self-assured house cat. Cats are one of the best muses in the world, especially when writer’s block and other kinds of creative struggles are afoot.

Lately, his human has been struggling with her creative endeavors, and the Emperor has seen to it that he helps to the best of his ability. He, like most cats, has found that being a feline muse comes more or less naturally to him. To ensure he is in his best, most inspirational shape, he spends many hours on his appearance: fluffing his fur, sharpening his nails, perfecting his handsome features. Then he walks in front of his human like a radiant puff of orange sunlight, carefully stepping delicately and purposefully in an elegant dance in the hopes of giving her inspiration. Emperor Julius believes that looking upon beauty inspires beauty, and what could be more beautiful than seeing a royal cat showing off his best side? He even dances on her paper, leaving hints and directions on the empty page for her to follow.

For some reason, his human does not yet seem completely moved by Julius’ efforts–she says that he is not in fact showing her his best side but rather his butt, but this only shows that she does not always have the best taste and that she is still a work in progress after all these years. She has not yet picked up on the hints that he tries to give her by walking across her pages, but nevertheless, he persists, playing out the silent dance of inspiration for her. Eventually, with the Emperor’s steady, patient guidance, she will no doubt come to see the world the way he does, with all its beauty, all its colors, and all its best parts.

June 1, 2023 0

Update from the paws of the emperor

photo by Aleksandra Sapozhnikova on Unsplash

It has been some months since the last missive from his Royal Highness himself, the Grand Emperor Julius, who spent his winter months in the quiet reprieve of his cold-weather quarters. Winter is a season of slowing down and introspection at Casa Julius, and this winter was no different from the traditions of previous ones. Many days evenings were spent in a fuzzy chair by the fire, lazily tail-flicking through this period of lengthening darkness and bitter snowy nights. His Highness had ample time for deep thinking during this cold-weather respite. An emperor, after all, has many important things to think about, such as how to maintain superiority over Dog and how to best knead a blanket for maximum comfort.

But winter is more than just an opportunity for rest and enhanced metacognition–it is also a time for caring for the body, a chance to build up the strength that will be needed for the challenges of spring (such as careful birdwatching at the window) and the struggles of summer (fending off more frequent bouts of intense, breakneck, ramshackle Dog activity that the humans so flippantly call “zoomies”, as if they are something cute and funny). As such, it is important for an emperor cat to prioritize fitness and diet during the winter, to ensure preparedness for the trials of the upcoming seasons. As a seasoned emperor, Julius has learned well the tricks of the trade to ensure a successful wintering and preparation for the more active months of the year, and he feels moved by his good graces to share his strategies with other feline emperors.

First, it is important to make sure to eat amply and regularly and with great appetite. Some animals, such as bears, seem to have had this figured out a long time ago. It is vital to lay down stockpiles as early as possible, to give your body something to work with when it needs it the most. Unfortunately, humans, with their propensity for silly things such as diets, may not initially be impressed by your desire for increasing your body’s energy stores. They will unlikely be willing to increase your rations, no matter how much you nag and threaten them. (Some humans are more malleable than others, however, so it’s worth a try, especially in the wee hours of the morning when they are at their most vulnerable and trying to sleep.) Should these honest attempts fail, you are left with only one option, and that is the route of self-directed self-preservation. You will have to steal and strongarm your way into higher rations (dog food is a quick and easy source of extra calories). Do not feel bad, and do not let Dog’s whining deter you–know that you are doing this with an ultimate greater purpose. The humans may deride you for “getting fat” or “growing pudge”, but all cats already know that humans are fools, so it is important not to let their comments worry you too much. Stealing olive oil from the bottle on the countertop and licking savory remains off dishes forgotten in the sink are also worthwhile sources that should not be overlooked.

Second, exercise is vital. To ensure that your extra calories are going to good use, you need to focus on building muscle and full-body strength so you can be in tip-top shape to tackle the events of the warmer seasons. If you are like Julius, you may not have access to the great circus of the outdoors for practice, but it is probably too cold and wet to be enjoyable outside anyway. You have to make the most of the territory that you have at your disposal. Running a circuit around the kitchen, particularly late at night when all the humans are in bed, can provide a fruitful obstacle course for working out your legs and lungs. Nothing feels better than a good victory cry when you have successfully completed several laps around the countertops, across the sink, and on to the pinnacle of the top of the fridge.

Third, don’t neglect your sleep. Sleep is essential to both building muscle and storing fat, so make sure you are getting your full sixteen hours. More is always better–the more you sleep, the stronger you become, and the more capable you will be in responding to Dog’s increased frenzy and frothing when the first tantalizing smells of spring begin to waft through the windows. Sleep well, and sleep seriously. The humans and Dog might not understand why it is so important, but know that you are doing this for good reason. The rest of the household might wear themselves out with silly toiling and fussing during the day, but they will never be as strong as you will be. You are, after all, the Emperor, and you must make sure you keep your standing.

Emperor Julius hopes his advice will be useful far and wide for feline emperors around the world. May your spring be full of birds and sunlight and very few tribulations from Dog.

Until next time,

His Royal Highness Julius

May 1, 2023 0

The Royal Hunt

Summer is the height of his highness’s annual hunting season, during which he goes on many thrilling and exciting expeditions around the house. Valiant and brave, every year Emperor Julius adds more insects and creepy-crawlies to his victory count. And usually it is a good year, giving him many stories that he can brag about by the fireplace come winter.

His highness has honed his hunting skills over the years, learning when exactly to leap at the glass windows. He knows how to tear down blinds at just the right moment, how to swat at dust bunnies with elegance, and how to stare into space at night in just the right way to scare the humans when they’re home alone.

His tastes have also evolved with time and experience. He now knows not to bother with most bugs, saving his energy for the juiciest and best. Dog can take care of the boring, plebeian daily fare…pill bugs, june bugs, house flies, the average spider just trying to mind its own business in a quiet corner. Ticks and mosquitoes are the humans’ department. The truly dangerous ones — wasps, though they buzz so delightfully — the humans can deal with too.

His highness saves his razor-sharp claws for just the right catch: the challenge, the speed, the temptation of none other than the fruit fly.

Stealthy and quiet, this adversary poses a delightful challenge. He has to stay on his toes, all four paws at the ready. Sight and precision is essential here, all the more so in dim evening light. He must leap, track, and wait, eyes dilated to their full murderous potential. Humans and Dog watch him in awe, amazed by his predatory dance. How he leaps! How he bounds! The fruit fly is just within his royal reach!

Sometimes the blinds come with him. Sometimes the curtain. Sometimes mementos on the mantle. But thankfully his Highness always walks away unscathed, ready to hunt another day.

As he curls up in his window-bed, he sharpens his claws and dreams of the next time. One day, the fruit fly will be his. Until then, he naps.

August 1, 2022 0

New Year’s Resolutions…from the Cat

No description available. — photo by Clarabelle Fields

Greetings and good winter tidings once again from your highness, Emperor Julius! I hope this missive finds you all well, wherever in the world you might be.

As this calendar year draws to a close, it is natural, especially for an emperor such as myself, to sit quietly beside a fireplace or in a warm lap and reflect on the months that have passed — to recollect battles fought, wars won, food eaten, yarn taken. 2021 was a year of ups and downs for the empire of royal Julius. There was the war with Dog at the beginning of the year. There was an ill-fated bath in summer. Despite these challenges, however, it was all in all a good year for yours truly. I got extra food, a new cat tree, new blankets, snuggles…and perhaps, even, a companion in the court jester Dog. On this New Year’s Day, I sit in my royal chair and am content.

2022 will be even more propitious for my empire. I plan to lead regally, and I have plans for greatness.

Resolution #1:

2022 will be a year of prosperous calories. I plan to extract even larger tithings from Dog. As he has grown bigger, so has the size of his food bowl. Accordingly, I am going to expect more of him if he is to remain a resident in my empire.

Resolution #2:

I plan to bless the new furniture my humans have recently brought into my empire. The humans bought new things covered with beautifully tempting cloth and fake leather, and I am going to artistically shape these new belongings until they are to my liking, suitable to be sat on by a royal such as myself.

Resolution #3:

I plan to communicate more with my subjects and be more available and open as an emperor to them. Every night at midnight, I am going to climb to the top of the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator and make announcements that will ring proudly from corner to corner of my domain.

Resolution #4:

I plan to take more interest in the activities of my Main Human to show my appreciation for her undying servitude and loyalty. I am going to sit on every thing she tries to do to show how interested I am in her work. Paper, cloth, knitting, you name it, my butt will be there!

Resolution #5:

I plan to continue being an amazing emperor, full of glory and greatness. I will strive to always be the best emperor I can be — proud, strong, and determined. It has been five great years of rule in this household, and I am looking forward to what 2022 has to offer me.

Take care, my dearest subjects. Stay safe and well and warm, and may 2022 be a good year for all of you!

Until next time,

Emperor Julius

January 1, 2022 1

Epistles from the Emperor: Vol. IX

Reflections and musings on an anniversary.

I write to you, dearest subjects, at the turn of another season. I began penning these letters to you nine months ago in the depths of winter. Soon, I will move back to my winter quarters in preparation for long, frozen nights and cloudy, sleepy days. The warmer seasons have been eventful this year, rife with intrigue and change. I am not sure what this winter will bring, but I hope, at the very least, it will bring a kind of peaceful, introspective slowness to my empire, and that I can nap by my fire again, undisturbed and in my most suitable feline glory.

Around the time that I began writing to you, I had been hearing rumors of a creature known as Dog coming in my imminent future. Little did I know the kind of changes that would come to my life in the seasons after. It is safe to say that at this point Dog is not going anywhere. For the first few months, I held out some hope that Dog might have been a temporary visitor in my realm. Unfortunately, as I suspected, this was never meant to be the case. As I approach nine months cohabitating with Dog, I have begun coming to terms with the fact that he is indeed a visitor of the permanent variety.

This September marks my fifth year since assuming the position of emperor in this household. In the years since my ascension, I have learned much about imperial ways. I have gained experience, confidence, understanding. But, I will admit, little had prepared me properly for the arrival of Dog after five years of ruling largely undisturbed and alone.

I never thought I would “share” — how I hate that word — my empire with anyone, and certainly not someone as stupid and uncivilized as Dog. Alas, I did not have much choice. I have made the best of things as much as I can. Dog is learning, in a slow, painstaking process, how to carry himself around the Emperor. His learning is very slow. But he does learn eventually, and I don’t have to use my claws as much anymore.

This winter will not be like the winters past, but perhaps I will sleep by my fire after all. Perhaps as Dog grows older, he will grow wiser, although he will never be as wise as me. My human says that one day she hopes to see us sleeping by the fire together. I laugh at this foolishness. Obviously, that will never happen — Dog is stinky and scratches himself obnoxiously. I would never sleep next to Dog. But maybe one day, just maybe, Dog will be a good subject to me. Maybe I will watch over my empire from my regal high spots, and Dog will be among the crowd, one of many who are loyal to me.

Sometimes, for a few minutes, I sit next to Dog. He is stinky, but he is warm, full of a never-ending kind of stupid, wholehearted love. He follows me around the house, and he checks up on me throughout the day while I’m taking my regal rest. Sometimes he worries about me, protects me. My human says he sees me as one of his sheep, something to guard with his life.

Maybe human was not so foolish after all. Maybe Dog will have a place in my empire one day. He just needs to keep learning, and I will have a place for him under my mighty Paw.

Until next time,

Emperor Julius

September 1, 2021 0

Epistles from the Emperor: Vol. VIII

We interrupt your usual monthly communication from the emperor to bring you an emergency missive!

Pay attention, readers, for this is an important message from his highness, Emperor Julius!

His highness is currently being held hostage and subjected to atrocious acts. Despite his power, he is currently unable to escape from this predicament. His highness requests assistance immediately. He does not know if he will survive. Should he survive, he will be a shadow of his former self, haunted by nightmares. He is suffering horrors he hoped never to experience. The Emperor is being given a bath!

This emergency missive comes from the dark depths of the bathroom where the bath is occurring. The brave emperor, despite his struggles, has managed to compose and send this message out to all of his loyal followers:

Dearest subjects, this was an utterly unnecessary atrocity! I am not guilty of the things they claim — I hadn’t gotten into anything I wasn’t supposed to! I was not so dirty that I needed a human-enforced bath, and certainly not one with cat shampoo! I was fine, I could have taken care of things myself.

Baths are for Dog, not me! Dog gets them frequently, since he rolls in mud and other unspeakable things. But baths are not for me, not for cats, and especially not an Emperor, even if he has in fact gotten into things he wasn’t supposed to get into.

What an insult! They will pay dearly for this once they have unhanded me. Of all the things you could subject a cat to, a bath is by far the worst.

Lies and slander! It’s all lies and slander! I might have been dirty, but I didn’t need a bath!

My servants will regret their decision, mark my words!

Until next time — assuming I live to tell the tale.

Signed,

Emperor Julius

August 1, 2021 1

Epistles from the Emperor: Vol VII

Happy summer tidings, my dearest subjects. A month has already passed since my last missive to all of you. The active, bird-filled days of spring are gone now, having melted away into the long, lazy days of summer. I have completed my move into my summer quarters, as is usual. In warmer months, I typically prefer the airy solitude of my window sleeping-places over my chair by the fireplace. I enjoy my chair, and my bed, and my servants’ laps, but there is a season for everything, and summer is the season for unbothered napping in sunny windowsills.

Unfortunately, the job of emperor comes with great responsibility, and I have many tasks I must take care of throughout my empire. It is not easy for me to nap as luxuriously and unbothered as I would like these days. There is stress upon me, for we are in the midst of another ongoing assault upon my borders and my sovereignty. But this assault is not, as you might be expecting, the fault of Dog. Are you surprised, dear subjects? In my last letter, I wrote of my plans for an ongoing cold war with Dog. My plans have remained unchanged, and the cold war is currently in motion, the gears of time slowly turning towards my inevitable victory. However, since the wait for this victory is long, and since I must play my cards carefully, I have actually found a use for Dog in the meantime…

My empire is currently under attack by a rogue army. Skirmishers have banded together to try to move into my territory. They come at night, unannounced and unexpected, leaving as quickly as they attack, always trying to take something with them: my birdseed, my soil, my scent. There are two cats who are the linchpins of the affair, dual leaders in this scheme to usurp me. They rush me from my flanks at night, even sometimes during the day if they are feeling particularly brazen. They have enlisted the help of a wily possum who knows the ins and outs of the land and has been scoping out the flaws in my defenses. There is also Doe, whom they have enlisted for her size and speed. I see her running past my territory lines at dawn, always watching, relaying information back to the linchpins so they can plan their next assault. I don’t even want to think about the coyotes in the woods beyond my house. I hear them chattering and laughing at night, and I can only hope and pray that they have not yet been drafted into the battle against me.

This, my dear subjects, is where Dog comes in, an unlikely ally in this affair. As I mentioned before, I previously believed he had ulterior motives, but the more time I have spent with him, the more I have begun to believe that he really is just a cheerful idiot. He seems eager to help me in this battle, so at the very least–for now–I will pretend that we are on the same side and that I have good intentions for him in my heart. He could be trying to play the long game like I am, but he has shown no signs of treachery. All day and night, he valiantly guards my empire as if his life depends on it. He has defended us from the cats, from Wily Possum, from Doe. He has tried to defend us from the coyotes preemptively, setting up a patrol perimeter on the border between us and them. He might be large and stupid and stinky, but he has proved to be a valuable ally in this fight.

For now, we work together, and we will wait and see what the future brings. I do not ever intend to let Dog get the better of me, but he has a job to do for me, and he is doing it well.

Until next time,

Emperor Julius

July 1, 2021 2