Update from the paws of the emperor

It has been some months since the last missive from his Royal Highness himself, the Grand Emperor Julius, who spent his winter months in the quiet reprieve of his cold-weather quarters. Winter is a season of slowing down and introspection at Casa Julius, and this winter was no different from the traditions of previous ones. Many days evenings were spent in a fuzzy chair by the fire, lazily tail-flicking through this period of lengthening darkness and bitter snowy nights. His Highness had ample time for deep thinking during this cold-weather respite. An emperor, after all, has many important things to think about, such as how to maintain superiority over Dog and how to best knead a blanket for maximum comfort.

But winter is more than just an opportunity for rest and enhanced metacognition–it is also a time for caring for the body, a chance to build up the strength that will be needed for the challenges of spring (such as careful birdwatching at the window) and the struggles of summer (fending off more frequent bouts of intense, breakneck, ramshackle Dog activity that the humans so flippantly call “zoomies”, as if they are something cute and funny). As such, it is important for an emperor cat to prioritize fitness and diet during the winter, to ensure preparedness for the trials of the upcoming seasons. As a seasoned emperor, Julius has learned well the tricks of the trade to ensure a successful wintering and preparation for the more active months of the year, and he feels moved by his good graces to share his strategies with other feline emperors.

First, it is important to make sure to eat amply and regularly and with great appetite. Some animals, such as bears, seem to have had this figured out a long time ago. It is vital to lay down stockpiles as early as possible, to give your body something to work with when it needs it the most. Unfortunately, humans, with their propensity for silly things such as diets, may not initially be impressed by your desire for increasing your body’s energy stores. They will unlikely be willing to increase your rations, no matter how much you nag and threaten them. (Some humans are more malleable than others, however, so it’s worth a try, especially in the wee hours of the morning when they are at their most vulnerable and trying to sleep.) Should these honest attempts fail, you are left with only one option, and that is the route of self-directed self-preservation. You will have to steal and strongarm your way into higher rations (dog food is a quick and easy source of extra calories). Do not feel bad, and do not let Dog’s whining deter you–know that you are doing this with an ultimate greater purpose. The humans may deride you for “getting fat” or “growing pudge”, but all cats already know that humans are fools, so it is important not to let their comments worry you too much. Stealing olive oil from the bottle on the countertop and licking savory remains off dishes forgotten in the sink are also worthwhile sources that should not be overlooked.

Second, exercise is vital. To ensure that your extra calories are going to good use, you need to focus on building muscle and full-body strength so you can be in tip-top shape to tackle the events of the warmer seasons. If you are like Julius, you may not have access to the great circus of the outdoors for practice, but it is probably too cold and wet to be enjoyable outside anyway. You have to make the most of the territory that you have at your disposal. Running a circuit around the kitchen, particularly late at night when all the humans are in bed, can provide a fruitful obstacle course for working out your legs and lungs. Nothing feels better than a good victory cry when you have successfully completed several laps around the countertops, across the sink, and on to the pinnacle of the top of the fridge.

Third, don’t neglect your sleep. Sleep is essential to both building muscle and storing fat, so make sure you are getting your full sixteen hours. More is always better–the more you sleep, the stronger you become, and the more capable you will be in responding to Dog’s increased frenzy and frothing when the first tantalizing smells of spring begin to waft through the windows. Sleep well, and sleep seriously. The humans and Dog might not understand why it is so important, but know that you are doing this for good reason. The rest of the household might wear themselves out with silly toiling and fussing during the day, but they will never be as strong as you will be. You are, after all, the Emperor, and you must make sure you keep your standing.

Emperor Julius hopes his advice will be useful far and wide for feline emperors around the world. May your spring be full of birds and sunlight and very few tribulations from Dog.

Until next time,

His Royal Highness Julius