The Trouble with Robots

Emperor Julius has often spoken about his humans’ various attempts to put him on diets now and again–despite the fact that he has tirelessly tried to convince them that it is more becoming for an emperor to sport a bit of pudge rather than the alternative, unfortunately they seem to have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the mis-directions of the vet, and as such they continue to insist that he must lose a few pounds.

This struggle has been ongoing for a number of years now, and for a while, it seemed that Julius had begun to gain the upper paw. Despite initial periods of famine, he soon learned to act strategically, exploiting the humans at their weak points, namely their need for sleep. Much advantage could be gained, he found, by sneaky tactics intended to chip away at the humans’ early morning repose. Humans are particularly vulnerable in those few liminal hours around sunrise, and it is during this time that they seem to be particularly defensive of their sleep. A steadily increasing repertoire of annoyance–tapping paws, solicitous meows, aggressive headbutts–is often be enough to motivate acquiescence in them at this time of morning.

And for some time, this approach worked for Emperor Julius. He found that the humans often did not have the energy or the wherewithal to fight him on his protests, and he could contentedly expect some extra snacks in the morning or throughout the day when the humans did not feel like dealing with him screaming at them.

Then alas, overnight, he found his tactics no longer worked like they used to…

His humans had introduced the robot.

They were excited about it, so at first he assumed it must be a good thing. There was much flurry and activity around his food, kibble being measured and poured, calories counted, settings set up. The humans beamed with pride when they stepped away. He was left with a new companion alongside his water bowl, a shiny, tall metal robot-thing that they said would soon be his new best friend: Autofeeder. He felt a little fluttering of hope–maybe Autofeeder would join him and be a friend and supporter on his quest for increased rations.

But Autofeeder turned out to be nothing like Julius had imagined. He found his cries about famine now fell on deaf and uncaring metal ears. Autofeeder sat unperturbed and impervious on the counter, dispensing only as much food as the vet prescribed, not one kibble more. And now the humans did not seem even the slightest bit compassionate in the mornings, even in the wee hours when they used to be so malleable. They would just close their eyes and turn their backs to him, saying that Autofeeder would take care of him soon.

Such betrayal! Disappointment!

Now Emperor Julius is back to the drawing board, only this time with fewer tricks up his furry sleeves. He has yet to figure out how to manipulate the cold, battery-driven heart of Autofeeder. So far threats, supplication, and begging have failed to work, so he is going to have to think of something else.

One day, the robot will be his.

One day.

September 1, 2023 0

The Great Mysteries

In Emperor Julius’ last post, he spoke of his observations of the world beyond, as well as his contentedness in remaining a strictly indoor emperor even in the face of garrulous goings-on outside of his empire’s borders. While it’s true that the realm beyond has not held much sway over his Royal Highness, there are other areas that do tempt and summon him with their intense mystery, namely the places within his own imperial borders that he has not yet been privy to exploring: the strange, shadow-shrouded, cut-off realms known to him only as the Great Mysteries.

As you readers might already know, especially if you are familiar with cats, mysteries are not things they find acceptable–at least if the mysteries are kept from them. Cats are very fond of having their own mysteries, such as secret hiding places where hair ties and Q-tips can be squirreled away for later, but it is very much a faux pas if the humans keep mysteries from them. Cats are, after all, the rulers of the house, and it is simply not fitting to keep things from your felines. But evidently Julius’ humans are still being schooled in the ways of the world, and as such, it is left up to Emperor Julius to figure out the true nature of these Great Mysteries.

There are three Great Mysteries in his house, but out of all of these, one concerns Julius more than the rest. The other two are more minor Mysteries, ones that he can probably save for a rainy day. (He believes the humans have dubbed them “closets”.) These can wait, for the third Great Mystery is far greater than any of these. At the edge of one of his borders lies a door that he is not supposed to go through, and beyond that door lies dark, cacophonous realm of hidden activity, a place with a portal of some sort through which things like groceries come in and trash bags leave. The humans tramp in and out of it each day, bringing with them foreign smells of unknown and faraway places.

On a few rare occasions, Julius managed to make quick missions into this place, running like a furtive spy, and he found it cavernous and cold and dark, full of smells unlike anything he had ever found before. While exploring there, he also discovered a strange animal that lives alone in the dark, something completely unlike a cat or a dog or a mouse, with cold metal skin and a belly full of gasoline. Sometimes it roars with a frightening sound like that of a lion, but Dog does not seem to fear it. He is allowed to go through the door into this world, and he is quite happy to do so. (Either he is very stupid, or he is in some kind of cahoots with the great beast.)

But indeed the truth of this Great Mystery and the beast that lives within it has not been fully uncovered yet, for Julius’ trips into this strange realm have been kept quite short. His humans, clearly not wanting him to discover the true depth of the Great Mystery, quickly shoo him back over the border into his own realm again. Thankfully the beast is quiet at night and seems to sleep soundly, and, to date, it has not yet tried to make moves on Julius’ land. The humans continue to go in and out, taking the beast for its long walks.

One day, perhaps, Julius will finally uncover the truth. Until then, he will be waiting (and listening) on the other side of the door.

August 1, 2023 0

The world beyond imperial borders

Photo by Jonathan Hunt on Unsplash

Ah, the sweet siren song of the outdoors, the great beyond…

How often feline ears perk up at its summoning…

Although no doubt born with the breath of the wild, Emperor Julius has almost exclusively been an indoor emperor throughout his life, and he is quite happy that way. He has had several opportunities to experience the great outdoors — once or twice, a door was left cracked just a little too wide, and a wayward breeze blew in his favor, opening the gates in front of him–but he finds he much prefers the stable comfort of his indoor realm to the unpredictability (and cold, wet grass) of the world beyond.

There are other cats in the neighborhood, however, who are outdoor emperors. Unlike indoor emperors, they rise fast and fall fast, living hard lives full of adventure and war. Over the months of the year, story arcs befitting Greek dramas or tragedies play out beneath the backyard honeysuckle bushes. The two reigning tomcats, grizzled and battle-torn, struggle for dominance over the little cat-trails that they have worn within and around neighboring yards. Many a summer night is spent in the throes of the tomcats’ martial performances. Their fair-weather tortie queen, who flirts with both of them depending on her mood, watches them from the comfort of her outdoor chaise-lounge, lazily flicking her tail in the summer wind.

Accounts of their struggles travel far and wide throughout the realm. The neighborhood dogs, the watchers and jesters of other households, howl epic tales recounting the tomcats’ battles, and the local birds, especially the galivanting, jocular neighborhood crows, take front-row seats at the arena, watching and snickering from branches above. Even the coyotes, relegated to the farthest reaches of the realm, have heard of the tomcats’ prowess. (They will probably think twice about snatching one of those cats for dinner this year–better to go after the irritating little chihuahuas instead.)

And Emperor Julius observes this all, silently, from the highest perch of the land, his seven-foot-tall indoor cat tree, as empires rise and fall and rise again beneath him in the summer sun.

He just watches and smiles smugly to himself, knowing he will forever be emperor of his own land.

The breath of the wild in the wind is a nice aftertaste, but nothing will beat the comfort of his own bed.

Until next time…

July 1, 2023 1

Being the best kind of muse

photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash

Emperor Julius, like many royal felines around the globe, has a long roster of official duties to do in his household. Among many roles, he is his house’s ruler, supervisor, mouse hunter, and blanket-tester. But that is not all that Julius does in his household–one of his most important roles, perhaps, is that of being a muse to his creative human.

It is a well-known fact that humans often look to the natural world around them for inspiration for their work. The natural world abounds with sources of inspiration for human creatives — beautiful sunsets, luscious trees, colorful flowers, all sorts of animals big and small–and, according to Emperor Julius, the most inspirational animal of all of these is none other than the royal, self-assured house cat. Cats are one of the best muses in the world, especially when writer’s block and other kinds of creative struggles are afoot.

Lately, his human has been struggling with her creative endeavors, and the Emperor has seen to it that he helps to the best of his ability. He, like most cats, has found that being a feline muse comes more or less naturally to him. To ensure he is in his best, most inspirational shape, he spends many hours on his appearance: fluffing his fur, sharpening his nails, perfecting his handsome features. Then he walks in front of his human like a radiant puff of orange sunlight, carefully stepping delicately and purposefully in an elegant dance in the hopes of giving her inspiration. Emperor Julius believes that looking upon beauty inspires beauty, and what could be more beautiful than seeing a royal cat showing off his best side? He even dances on her paper, leaving hints and directions on the empty page for her to follow.

For some reason, his human does not yet seem completely moved by Julius’ efforts–she says that he is not in fact showing her his best side but rather his butt, but this only shows that she does not always have the best taste and that she is still a work in progress after all these years. She has not yet picked up on the hints that he tries to give her by walking across her pages, but nevertheless, he persists, playing out the silent dance of inspiration for her. Eventually, with the Emperor’s steady, patient guidance, she will no doubt come to see the world the way he does, with all its beauty, all its colors, and all its best parts.

June 1, 2023 0

Update from the paws of the emperor

photo by Aleksandra Sapozhnikova on Unsplash

It has been some months since the last missive from his Royal Highness himself, the Grand Emperor Julius, who spent his winter months in the quiet reprieve of his cold-weather quarters. Winter is a season of slowing down and introspection at Casa Julius, and this winter was no different from the traditions of previous ones. Many days evenings were spent in a fuzzy chair by the fire, lazily tail-flicking through this period of lengthening darkness and bitter snowy nights. His Highness had ample time for deep thinking during this cold-weather respite. An emperor, after all, has many important things to think about, such as how to maintain superiority over Dog and how to best knead a blanket for maximum comfort.

But winter is more than just an opportunity for rest and enhanced metacognition–it is also a time for caring for the body, a chance to build up the strength that will be needed for the challenges of spring (such as careful birdwatching at the window) and the struggles of summer (fending off more frequent bouts of intense, breakneck, ramshackle Dog activity that the humans so flippantly call “zoomies”, as if they are something cute and funny). As such, it is important for an emperor cat to prioritize fitness and diet during the winter, to ensure preparedness for the trials of the upcoming seasons. As a seasoned emperor, Julius has learned well the tricks of the trade to ensure a successful wintering and preparation for the more active months of the year, and he feels moved by his good graces to share his strategies with other feline emperors.

First, it is important to make sure to eat amply and regularly and with great appetite. Some animals, such as bears, seem to have had this figured out a long time ago. It is vital to lay down stockpiles as early as possible, to give your body something to work with when it needs it the most. Unfortunately, humans, with their propensity for silly things such as diets, may not initially be impressed by your desire for increasing your body’s energy stores. They will unlikely be willing to increase your rations, no matter how much you nag and threaten them. (Some humans are more malleable than others, however, so it’s worth a try, especially in the wee hours of the morning when they are at their most vulnerable and trying to sleep.) Should these honest attempts fail, you are left with only one option, and that is the route of self-directed self-preservation. You will have to steal and strongarm your way into higher rations (dog food is a quick and easy source of extra calories). Do not feel bad, and do not let Dog’s whining deter you–know that you are doing this with an ultimate greater purpose. The humans may deride you for “getting fat” or “growing pudge”, but all cats already know that humans are fools, so it is important not to let their comments worry you too much. Stealing olive oil from the bottle on the countertop and licking savory remains off dishes forgotten in the sink are also worthwhile sources that should not be overlooked.

Second, exercise is vital. To ensure that your extra calories are going to good use, you need to focus on building muscle and full-body strength so you can be in tip-top shape to tackle the events of the warmer seasons. If you are like Julius, you may not have access to the great circus of the outdoors for practice, but it is probably too cold and wet to be enjoyable outside anyway. You have to make the most of the territory that you have at your disposal. Running a circuit around the kitchen, particularly late at night when all the humans are in bed, can provide a fruitful obstacle course for working out your legs and lungs. Nothing feels better than a good victory cry when you have successfully completed several laps around the countertops, across the sink, and on to the pinnacle of the top of the fridge.

Third, don’t neglect your sleep. Sleep is essential to both building muscle and storing fat, so make sure you are getting your full sixteen hours. More is always better–the more you sleep, the stronger you become, and the more capable you will be in responding to Dog’s increased frenzy and frothing when the first tantalizing smells of spring begin to waft through the windows. Sleep well, and sleep seriously. The humans and Dog might not understand why it is so important, but know that you are doing this for good reason. The rest of the household might wear themselves out with silly toiling and fussing during the day, but they will never be as strong as you will be. You are, after all, the Emperor, and you must make sure you keep your standing.

Emperor Julius hopes his advice will be useful far and wide for feline emperors around the world. May your spring be full of birds and sunlight and very few tribulations from Dog.

Until next time,

His Royal Highness Julius

May 1, 2023 0

Season’s tidings from the Emperor

Another year has flown by at Casa Julius…another year of glorious imperial successes, long naps, and furtive snacking from the dog food bowl when nobody is looking. As one season closes and another opens, his Highness wants to send all of his dear readers and subjects his best wishes and good tidings for the holidays. May your trees be good for climbing and your food bowls full, and may each of you have a warm fire, chair, or bed to snuggle into this season.

Happy holidays,

Emperor Julius + his imperial crew

December 1, 2022 0

Screaming for Caramel

It’s that time of the year again, friends, when his Highness makes his interests widely known. In the haze of a post-Halloween morning, his Highness reminds us of what he has not-so-patiently been waiting to receive: the gifts of hallow’s harvest, pumpkin guts and leftover caramel dip.

The caramel makes sense at least. Cats love milk after all. His Highness yowls and screams and clamors for caramel — the melted kind, the solid kind, any kind. He gobbles it up faster than the speed of light, making funny faces when it gets stuck to the roof of his mouth, licking at his little vampire teeth (fashionably dressed for Halloween year-round).

The pumpkin, however, was a surprise. No one expected his Highness to enjoy the slippery and misshapen offerings of a cracked-open pumpkin. But it is fitting for royalty to have broad tastes, and evidently cold pumpkin is a delicacy for his Highness. His subjects are happily surprised by this, since pumpkin is much better for him than caramel. (Just remember to cook it…cooked, unseasoned pumpkin is safe for cats.)

He dreads to hear it, but the “d” word, diet, is around the corner again. (It is fitting for royalty to be pudgy, too, he would like to add, but for some reason the humans are not convinced of this as much as he is.) So for now his Highness will be doing a lot of screaming for caramel…and hopefully the humans will forget to take him for his next weigh-in at the vet!

November 1, 2022 0

Letters from the Emperor: Trouble with Tribbles, Real Life

Well, my dear subjects, it has been a while since you heard directly from me, your royal feline emperor. I have missed writing letters to you and sharing my wonderous life one-on-one.

Summer was relatively smooth sailing in my kingdom this year, aside from the usual hiccups with Dog. I found that Dog’s belongings are actually of much use to me, something I can benefit from at his expense: his beds, his pillows, sometimes even his toys. Although the beginning of my relationship with Dog was tenuous, he has turned out to be an excellently naive and unquestioning subject. As this summer closed, I took great pride in the knowledge that I, as emperor, had fully survived the coup attempted by Dog last year. My rule and my power seemed to be going ever upwards, with humans and Dog alike deferring to me.

But then another creature came, another invader of sorts. Something unlike anything I had ever encountered before–something that vaguely reminded me of a rat, but not enough to be certain. Small, black and white, with kicking, thumping feet and weird little teeth constantly gnashing. A pet rabbit, the humans said. Abandoned at the park and needing medicine and food.

Dog was ushered out of the room, but I in all my regal demure-ness, was allowed to remain to supervise and observe. Dog whined and moaned outside the closed door, and I smiled smugly to myself. The humans did a similar routine as they did with Dog so many months ago when he was small: blankets, towels, food and water, and many checks between the two of them. Then they began making many phone calls. I was relieved to know this stranger was not going to stay forever the way Dog did.

So far, Rabbit has kept to himself, content to stay in the room the humans cordoned off for him. He does not seem to be interested in taking power, gaining territory, or staging a coup. In fact, he does not seem to be interested in much at all except disgusting green food. When he had first arrived, I had hoped that perhaps his rations would be interesting, something to supplement my dog food tithes with. Sadly, the humans keep giving him the most unpalatable things, vegetables and the like. Dog’s food is better.

Dog is more tormented by this visitor than I am. Once I saw what little of a threat Rabbit was, I was completely at ease, and have since forgotten about his existence most of the time. Dog, on the other hand, has been desperate to get into the room. He says he just wants to say hi, but for some reason — perhaps the wildness in his eyes, or his drool — this seems rather implausible. Whatever his true intentions are, it’s no concern of mine. Rabbit doesn’t bother me and that is all that matters. The humans have assured me that Rabbit will get a family of his own soon. In the meantime, he will stay with us in his own private hotel — out of sight, out of mind for me, and well out of reach of Dog.

Until my next missive,

Emperor Julius

Note from Julius’ human: Before finding this abandoned rabbit, I didn’t know how common it was for people to dump rabbits in parks. Unfortunately, this is extremely common, especially in the months after Easter. Many people buy rabbits on a whim around that time of year without realizing the commitment required to properly care for this kind of animal. There are so many abandoned rabbits in the US that they are often euthanized immediately if they are surrendered to a shelter because there is simply not enough space to house them all. Because of this, we are holding onto this little guy until we can find him a new home. Please take careful consideration before adopting a rabbit (and any pet, for that matter). The ones abandoned outside often die very unpleasant deaths.

Further resources:

Abandoned rabbits

Things you should know before getting a rabbit

Is a rabbit the right pet for you?

Rabbit rescues overloaded

October 1, 2022 0

Countertop Inspector

Nothing gets past his Highness. Well, almost nothing. (There was one time where he slept through his human making a tuna salad…a shameful day that we will not speak of again…)

Among his many imperial duties is that of chief inspector, that is, he must thoroughly inspect everything that passes across his royal countertops. Food, glass, ceramic, plastic — whatever comes into or out of the kitchen must pass the emperor’s inspection. Bottles must be sniffed, foreign objects tapped, and water sampled. A taste test here or there never hurt anyone either. Sometimes Dog tries to take on this role, but chief inspection has always been, and always will be, the rightful role of the emperor.

Being countertop inspector is a demanding job. Countless hours spent walking up and down the lengths of the kitchen, checking the sink and the stove, performing quality checks on leftovers and fallen crumbs, doing inventory counts inside cabinets and open drawers, sitting for hours on top of the fridge watching traffic as it passes by underneath.

Sometimes things are not up to par — when something doesn’t pass inspection, the problem must be solved quickly and effectively. One swoop of the regal paw and the problem is ended on the tile three feet below. The humans still express their skepticism, but one day they will learn that the emperor’s judgment is always final and just.

Traitorous mugs and cups must meet their rightful condemnation on the floor. Useless plastic bottles must be cleared away. And unpalatable fruits and vegetables must yield to his emperor’s carnivorous preferences, flung with skillful claws into the kitchen sink. Always at the ready, the emperor is proud of his countertops, never letting so much as an ant miss his discerning eye.

One day, the humans will realize how fortunate they are to have a tireless countertop inspector like Julius, keeping them safe from dangerous ceramics and keeping the counters clean.

September 1, 2022 0

The Royal Hunt

Summer is the height of his highness’s annual hunting season, during which he goes on many thrilling and exciting expeditions around the house. Valiant and brave, every year Emperor Julius adds more insects and creepy-crawlies to his victory count. And usually it is a good year, giving him many stories that he can brag about by the fireplace come winter.

His highness has honed his hunting skills over the years, learning when exactly to leap at the glass windows. He knows how to tear down blinds at just the right moment, how to swat at dust bunnies with elegance, and how to stare into space at night in just the right way to scare the humans when they’re home alone.

His tastes have also evolved with time and experience. He now knows not to bother with most bugs, saving his energy for the juiciest and best. Dog can take care of the boring, plebeian daily fare…pill bugs, june bugs, house flies, the average spider just trying to mind its own business in a quiet corner. Ticks and mosquitoes are the humans’ department. The truly dangerous ones — wasps, though they buzz so delightfully — the humans can deal with too.

His highness saves his razor-sharp claws for just the right catch: the challenge, the speed, the temptation of none other than the fruit fly.

Stealthy and quiet, this adversary poses a delightful challenge. He has to stay on his toes, all four paws at the ready. Sight and precision is essential here, all the more so in dim evening light. He must leap, track, and wait, eyes dilated to their full murderous potential. Humans and Dog watch him in awe, amazed by his predatory dance. How he leaps! How he bounds! The fruit fly is just within his royal reach!

Sometimes the blinds come with him. Sometimes the curtain. Sometimes mementos on the mantle. But thankfully his Highness always walks away unscathed, ready to hunt another day.

As he curls up in his window-bed, he sharpens his claws and dreams of the next time. One day, the fruit fly will be his. Until then, he naps.

August 1, 2022 0